Forgiveness

“Have you forgiven your body?”

This question has lingered in my mind for weeks now since I had dinner with one of my girlfriends. She told me a very personal story about losing her baby during pregnancy. After some time, she and her husband tried to have another child and she was not getting pregnant. It wasn’t until she went to an acupuncturist that she was asked the question: "have you forgiven your body?" She burst into tears as she realized the importance of the question. She was finally able to let the anger and guilt subside. And wouldn’t you know … she has a beautiful family now. Amazing grace.

We talk about forgiveness when it comes to our relationships, but what about our bodies? We are so terribly critical of ourselves, myself included. We get angry and embarrassed about baby weight and stretch marks ... but did we stop to thank our body for the ability to give life? Joint injuries stole our athleticism away at a young age and plague us with chronic pain ... but did we stop to thank our body for still having the ability to walk and ride a bike? Which left me thinking, had I forgiven my body for having cancer?

I spent several weeks thinking about the question and allowing myself to go back into that dark place of sickness and feel all those difficult feelings again. I looked back through my photos and reread my blogs and felt the anger, confusion and hurt boil back to the surface again. I HADN’T forgiven my body. Why should I??? I was only 26 years old when I was diagnosed.

Once the knee-jerk feelings settled, the anxiety subsided and the tears dried, I was able to think more clearly about how amazing my body truly is. My body beat stage-3 breast cancer. It bounced back from ten surgeries. Survived 18 weeks of chemotherapy without my blood count ever plummeting. It healed after six weeks of intense radiation therapy leaving me with third degree burns. It gave me the strength and mental capacity to work through the psychological pain of losing my breasts, being covered in 18 scars and dealing with body self-consciousness for the first time in my life. It gave me the courage to love unconditionally despite the fact that I no longer viewed myself as a long-term investment for another person. My body gave me a new appreciation for life and taught me patience and true compassion. My body is amazing and I am truly grateful and appreciative for the experience of learning to love myself.

10 Lessons Cancer Taught Me

I found this article called ’10 Lessons Cancer Taught Me’ by Donna Davis on a senior care website of all places. As I read each lesson I found myself responding aloud, “yes,” “absolutely,” “couldn’t have said it better.” It is rare for me to lift this much of someone else’s text, but I honestly could not say what she did any better. I think Donna is brilliant and a gift. I hope her words inspire you as much as they have me.

1. There is no someday. There’s only now. There’s a story called “Precious Present” which talks about a mysterious man telling of an elusive present. The point of the story is that being “present” by enjoying the moments in your life is the best gift of all. It’s good to plan for the future, but remember to LIVE TODAY. Don’t put off playing with the kids, using your best china, doing all those things you want to do “someday.” We truly do not know what tomorrow brings. Be aware of what’s happening, really listen to others and trust your instincts. Your life can be so much richer by learning to be present even for just a few minutes each day.

2. Own and express your true feelings. For most of my life, I would do things I didn’t want to do. I always worried about saying no to others. When I got the leukemia I knew that the fatigue wasn’t just from the disease. It was also from 20 years of pent-up resentment for doing things and going places because I felt I “had” to. I’ve learned to express my feelings. Now I say no to things that I don’t want to do. But I also tell people I love them more often. I tell my kids “I’m sorry” when I’ve made mistakes (and I make plenty!) I talk to others about my fears, my depression (which plagued me for years) and my failures as well as my successes. Being honest has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. Interestingly, in the process of becoming more direct, I’ve become kinder. There’s no resentment when you speak from the heart.

3. I’m not a victim. I choose how I react to situations. Sometimes people ask “Why me?” Except for a brief moment, I didn’t travel down that road. I knew there were lessons I needed to learn. Yes, some days just plain sucked with nausea and fatigue, but I also knew that many others have symptoms 1000 times worse than mine. When you’re open to the lessons, you can move through your situation so much easier and faster.

4. Take care of myself first. When traveling on airplanes we always hear that in case of emergencies to put on our oxygen mask first, THEN take care of others. That’s a major life lesson. If we don’t take care of ourselves first, then we have nothing to give others. I had excellent doctors, but I’ve learned that I need to know my body and what it needs. All aspects of our life are our responsibility. Get to know you. If you feel better after eating protein, eat it. If you need 8 hours of sleep a night, find a way to get it. You’ll function much better because that’s what YOU need…not what a book recommends. It’s the same with emotions (see #2). Speak from your heart. And spiritually, find the path that’s right for you. It all comes together to make a wonderful YOU, and then you can be there for others.

5. Ask for help. Sell the SuperWoman cape on ebay! Asking for help gives others a chance to share their gifts and love. Plus, you’ll weigh less because the “I have to do everything” cape is really heavy.

6. Watch your words and especially your thoughts. I believe that our “thoughts create.” With my cancer, I KNEW I was going to be cancer-free. But earlier in my life I was very critical, judgmental and negative. Watch your words and thoughts for an hour. Did you say or think thoughts like “I’m always tired,” “We can’t afford that,” “I could never do that”? If you keep thinking or saying those things, guess what shows up in your life? Yep…You are tired, you can’t afford that item and you’ll never do that. I challenge you to eliminate the negatives. Guard your words. They are powerful.

7. There is a reason for all things. Many times things happen in our lives and we don’t understand. We are a small cog in a much bigger picture. Just trust and stay positive. As you get older, you’ll smile at how you’ve weaved this beautiful tapestry called “My Life.”

8. Get rid of stress. Stress is toxic and it can lead to serious health problems – physically and emotionally. If you are in a stressful situation, GET OUT of it -- whether it’s an abusive relationship, a terrible job, or living in a place or city you don’t like. Stress eventually wins by wearing you out. So read #9.

9. If you don’t like your life, change it! This and #8 are easier said than done, but if you want a happier and healthier life, start making some changes. If you are thinking defeating thoughts, work on creating more positive affirmations. If you’ve always wanted to learn how to play the piano, start taking lessons. If you’ve always wanted your own home business, find something that sounds fun and start it! As the saying goes, “Life is like a buffet table. You can have whatever you want, but you’ve got to get up and go get it.” And go back and read #5 and ask for help from people you trust.

10. Laugh often. Don’t take life so seriously. All of us have challenges. Don’t get upset and angry. Laugh more and know that “This too shall pass.”

Source: Davis, Donna. ""10 Lessons Cancer Taught Me"" Senior Care Services and Information. Senior Care Psychological Consulting, 2004. Web. 25 Aug. 2011. http://seniorcareservices.org/cancer_10_lessons_learned.htm.

An Unexpected San Francisco Treat

San Francisco Treat

I met the most amazing man. (I know that sounds so silly.) I know why I was meant to come to this PMI Conference in San Francisco. I have confirmed that I am meant to be doing the role I am doing. Everything my Dad ever said about managing people was true. And now I want to grow and eventually get my PMP certification post-masters. In addition, I have met someone who I instantly connected with, which I never expected.

His name is Jose (pronounced Joe-say) from Montreal. He is French-Canadian. He is here with his VERY pregnant wife and their two children. He is the GM of a startup in Montreal called Haka Solutions. My first day at the conference he told me, "Jennifer, you need to learn to disconnect sometimes and relax. There wouldn't be the need for project managers if projects were perfect." Ah, I'm not alone ... I felt validated.

Today my buddy and I sat together for our new session and then walked to lunch together. I was asking about his wife and babies (since they are out and about in SF during the day while he is in class) and in return, he asked if I want children. I paused and then, after some hesitation, decided to share my cancer journey. To my surprise his reaction was a smirk and then encouragement to continue sharing. He reassurend me that he would share his story when I finished.

Unbeknownst to me, he was diagnosed with stage-3 Hodgkin's at the age of 20 and was told he would never have children. He turns 40 this year and is expecting his third child next month ... a little girl. Just when he and his wife had started to consider alternative options to have a family, she got pregnant. I cannot believe I met him at a work conference. He is a new friend that I will have for a long time to come. I think I will send him an announcement when I have my first child ...

Buh-bye Dark Cloud

Annual doctor’s appointment & blood work: Normal
Annual eye exam: Normal and now eligible for LASIK
Annual retinal scan: Normal—no signs of side effects from the Tamoxifen
6-month oncology check-up: Normal
6-month dentist appointment: Normal
3-month Pap: Normal

It’s been a LONG time since I have had normal test results. I don’t know what to do with myself. I guess I’ll finish my Masters, focus on getting stronger and healthier and plan my wedding.

It is nice not having a dark cloud following me around anymore.

This time, when I went to visit my oncologist, Dr. David Heyer, I took Matt with me. It was important to me that he meets Dr. Heyer; after all he is the man who saved my life. If Matt is going to marry me, I want him to understand that this will always be my reality. We can’t ignore it, or hide from it … we need to face it head on … together.

Dr. Heyer: “If this is completely out of line, please tell me.”
me: I smiled knowing exactly where Dr. Heyer was headed.
Dr. Heyer: “Do you two intend to have children?”
me: Without hesitation I replied, “Yes.”
Dr. Heyer: “Four years ago when all of this began I never thought it would be a possibility for you to get pregnant. I was certain that with the amount of chemo we were giving you that I would push you into menopause permanently.”
me: I interrupted, “Right, but I only missed three months and started right back again consistently every 28 days.”
Dr. Heyer: “I know, and it’s pretty remarkable, even unheard of. Now, in the past people worried that when a woman got pregnant that change in hormones could cause cancer to return. I am telling you that this assumption is NOT true. Getting pregnant will not give you cancer.”
me: “OK.”
Dr. Heyer: “Also, a woman with breast cancer WITHOUT lymph node involvement runs a risk of getting cancer later in life, so there would be a long gap between the first and second diagnosis. However, a woman with breast cancer WITH lymph node involvement, like yours, runs a risk of getting cancer within the first couple of years of remission. So, once we get you past a certain point, we shouldn’t need to worry as much. But you and I have decided it’s never coming back, right? We’re done with this.”
me: “Right.”
Dr. Heyer: “Jennifer, I see absolutely no reason why you can’t get pregnant. You have surprised me and beaten the odds on everything else. However, I want you to finish the Tamoxifen … it’s essential that you have a full 5 years.”
me: “I understand. So, how soon after I’m off the Tamoxifen can I start trying?”
Dr. Heyer: “That’s not really my area of expertise, so I’d defer to your Women’s Physician, but I’d say 3 months.”

The Eyes Have It

So, who knew that cancer could impact your vision!? I certainly didn’t until this morning.

I visited a new eye doctor today and expected to be treated like cattle … after all; this is The Eye Center that always has those iLASIK advertisements on HOT99.5.

With my new VSP insurance in-hand and a recommendation from my friend Kelli, I decided after two years of no eye exams to try a new practice and doctor. Diem Nguyen, O.D. was simply amazing. She spent time discussing my medical history with me and the side effects related to the chemotherapy, radiation, and the medication I am now on called Tamoxifen.

She did a normal exam, checked my contacts and vision, but then she did a medical exam of my retina. Apparently, a side effect of Tamoxifen is damage to the retina. She said that my vision was still 20/20 (with my contacts), nothing had changed, and my retina looked healthy. However, unlike a non-cancer person, I should have my yearly exam, but also a medical exam (covered by health insurance, not eye insurance), and have x-rays of my retina done. This way, they can compare over the years to make sure my retina is not compromised from the medication.

I will be going back to visit Diem Nguyen, O.D. next week to pick up my contacts and have x-rays of my retina done. She tells me that it doesn’t hurt and all they do is put drops in my eyes, but after several years of procedures and surgeries I still get a bit anxious. I’ll let you know how it turns out.

The good news is that I am a great candidate for LASIK surgery! It’s something I have thought of a lot over the last few years and perhaps it’s something I’ll have done in the next year or so. Makes me nervous (although everything does these days), but it’s something fun to consider doing for myself.

xo,
Jen

I Hereby Adhere to No Funny Business

So here’s the latest … after consults with both my women’s physician Dr. Ivey-Crowe and my oncologist, Dr. David Heyer, I am going to start taking a prenatal vitamin. (I’ll wait a moment to let the awww’s and squeals of my loving friends run their course.)

Now before you get all baby-crazy on me and start monogramming onesies (love you, Kere!) the purpose for this is for three reasons:

1. My body is lacking some vital nutrients from going through chemotherapy, so I take a lot of pills (multivitamin, C, iron, probiotics, etc.). Taking a prenatal vitamin will boost my vitamin and iron intake. Probiotics should help my digestive track resume balance since I suffer from horrible IBS attacks and nausea nowadays.
2. It should make my hair, skin and nails look amazing for my wedding day. Let’s be honest, that’s reason enough.
3. And lastly, IF I decide after two years to try and have children I will have given myself the best possible chance by getting really healthy with vitamins, nutrition and exercise. I will do my part as best I can and God-willing, Matt and I will have a family in the future. If not, we will do a lot of babysitting for our amazing friends.

My oncologist, Dr. Heyer made sure that I was aware that I am his for two more years; meaning that I need to stay on the Tamoxifen for a full five years. I assured him that there would be no funny business. 

(I think my mother has timed it all out that between coming off of the Tamoxifen at age 32 and my next surgery around the age of 40, I could comfortably have two children. At which point she will be retired and can provide daycare. You have to love the optimism of my family.)

So between both of my doctors and a little bit of research I have decided to try Trimedisyn. The reason for this is because it is all natural and has all the ingredients that I am missing. I’m going to sound like a spokesperson for a second, but most prenatal vitamins have increased folic acid, calcium and iron. Trimedisyn is packed with 19 other essential vitamins and minerals, 10 probiotics, CoQ10, DHA, ginger root, inositol, and choline. Ginger root eliminates morning sickness, but also nausea that typically accompanies both IBS and iron supplements. And after reading some reviews women are reporting their asthma and allergies significantly improving or disappearing completely. *fingers crossed*

I’ll keep you posted on how the Trimedisyn works.

Love After Cancer

Matt: “Are we going to be together forever?”

As we walked down the quaint streets of Killarney, Ireland Matt and I chatted while enjoying the street- lamp lit scenes of historic statues and a beautiful, old cathedral built back in the 1300s.

me: “I sure hope so.”

Although I had to admit, his weird nervous behavior and biting attitude was concerning over the last few days and the fact that he wouldn’t give me his jacket on the bus when I was cold was just plain strange. I was a bit aggravated with him to say the least.

Matt: “Why don’t we make it official?”

Matt had stopped walking and I felt the hand he was holding pull me back.
I turned and saw Matt on bended knee.

me: “Are you kidding?”

About a month earlier Matt had gotten down on his knee in the kitchen of our home which set my heart racing. Since Matt is over a foot taller than I am, he occasionally will get down on his knees to hug me in a joking manner, so I figured this was another one of those silly moments. Since I had just kissed a statue of Johnny O'Leary (renowned Irish accordion player in Killarney) and sang Rihanna’s ‘Umbrella’ to a statue of Jesus, I figured this funny gesture made perfect sense for us.

Matt: “No. Will you marry me?”

Matt pulled the little square box from his jacket pocket and opened it to reveal my mother’s engagement ring. It just so happened at that very moment an old Irish man drove by seeing Matt’s proposal. He continued circling until he saw that I responded, “Of course” and hugged Matt. The old man began honking his horn wildly and giving us repeated thumbs-ups.

We walked a little ways and once the proposal set in and I asked to sit on a bench outside a row of shops and pubs.

me: “You know, I did this before once and it didn’t go so well.”
Matt: “I know.”
me: “So, I’m sorry if I didn’t respond right …”
Matt: “Jennifer, relax. We are still just Matt and Jen. Nothing has changed other than I have given you a ring promising you that I will always love you. We will go home at the end of the week to our little condo with our little dog … we are still the same people.”
me: “I know. But, you know I’m really sick …”
Matt: “Jennifer, I know. Whether I have 2 years with you or 20, it’s more time than I would have without you. You are perfectly imperfect and I want to be with you.”
I began crying … the anxiety melted away.
me: “I know you know all these things, but I hope you understand I just needed to say that.”
Matt: “OK. Is everything OK now?”
me: “Yes. Let’s go find a pub and celebrate.”