Waiting for the Shit Storm

This morning I had my six month follow-up with my oncologist Dr. David Heyer. I was more anxious than usual, my panic attacks set in on Wednesday knowing this appointment was quickly approaching. I asked Matt to go with me for support.

Just walking into the office my body began shaking, I could feel myself swallowing continuously to encourage myself to keep my breakfast down. Please don’t throw up. My hand shook as I wrote my name on the sign-in sheet and handed my insurance card to the receptionist. I sat in the waiting room trying to slow my heart rate. I transitioned all the nerves to my foot and shook it violently. To anyone else sitting in the waiting room, I looked calm and collected. My fear was successfully masked, except Matt could see through it.

He gently placed a hand on my knee to calm my foot and then held my hand. He pulled out his phone and started reading me the morning news headlines … my focus shifted and the anxiety subsided.

Once back in the examination room, here are the topics I discussed with Dr. Heyer:

Tamoxifen under a microscope

Tamoxifen: Most people don’t realize this, but I am still receiving treatment for cancer. Just because my hair has grown back and I look healthier, doesn’t mean I’m cured. I am on a five-year therapy of Tamoxifen which suppresses the estrogen in my body to prevent the cancer from returning. As of this year, I only have one more year on this drug. It will be October 2013 that I will be considered “cured.”

Although this sounds like wonderful news, for me, it is a huge source of anxiety. Dr. Heyer explained that I am not alone. Most people think of Tamoxifen as a safety blanket … it has kept the cancer away and now my body will be exposed to having a recurrence. The good news is the side effects I have been experiencing on the medicine will finally end.

My side effects started during the third year of Tamoxifen and include:

• Night sweats 
• Insomnia 
• Inconsistent periods, which has now pretty much stopped 
• Deterioration of my tendons (specifically my Achilles tendon) 
• Weight gain 
• Nausea 
• Heighten anxiety 
• Tired and low energy 
• Low sex drive 
• Mood swings 
• Depression (some patients even experience suicidal thoughts) 
• Numbness and bad circulation in my hands and feet, which is progressively getting worse 
• And recently, piercing headaches

Hopefully my period will become constant again and Matt and I can try and have a baby. Dr. Heyer suggested I meet with my Women Physician Dr. Gloria Ivey-Crowe and find out from her the probability of my period returning and also how long I will need to wait once finishing the Tamoxifen (October 2013) before I can safely start trying to have a baby. (If I were to get pregnant while on the Tamoxifen, our baby would have severe birth defects.) Dr. Heyer seemed to think three months would be a safe window, but wants to speak with Dr. Ivey-Crowe as I get closer to that point. Dr. Heyer also suggested meeting with a fertility doctor when we are ready, so that we have all the resources we need to increase the chances of getting pregnant.

Fertility drugs and anything that alters my hormones will not be an option for us with my cancer being ER+. If it happens it happens and if it doesn’t, we are OK with that, too. Matt and I already have a name picked out for our sweet baby, regardless of whether I can physically have her or we adopt her. If we want a family, we will have one. There are so many babies that need a loving home and we will find her and love her unconditionally.

Post-Tamoxifen: The topic I was dreading talking about …

me:  “What is the plan once I finish the Tamoxifen therapy? Do we look at marks from my blood work? Or should we do imaging every six months to scan my body?”
Dr. Heyer:   “Blood marks don’t work well for breast cancer. If you were a 70-year-old woman I would not be averse to imaging, since you might not see the effects at the 15 year mark. But you were so young, Jennifer, when you had cancer. I would be afraid to image you that much and cause a recurrence much later in life. If you get cancer again, I will find it or, most likely, you will.”
me:  “How will I know? Will I just become a hypochondriac and call you every time I have a headache or ingrown hair!?”
Dr. Heyer:  “You can always call me. Something like a pimple on your nose or an ingrown toenail, we can easily identify as not being cancer. The most common secondary cancer after breast is lung, liver and bone. And because your cancer loves estrogen, add ovarian into that mix, too. Let’s say you move into your new home and do something to your back. The pain persists beyond three weeks … we would be conservative and go ahead and do a bone scan. Does that make sense?”
me:   “Yes, but I’m not quite sure where I find the balance between brushing off symptoms and thinking everything is cancer. That is something I will need to work on. I understand some of that is always normal after going through a trauma, but it is important for me to get a grasp on it.”

Dr. Heyer left the room and Matt could tell I was anxious.

Matt:  “Jen, I know this is hard to hear, but we’re all going to die. I could die tomorrow or in 50 years …”
I listened patiently wondering where this was going.
Matt:  “… It’s like pooping. You don’t walk around holding toilet paper all the time just in case you’re going to poop. When you have to go, you find some place and poop. No one walks around with a wad of toilet paper looking panicked in the streets thinking, ‘What if I have to poop?’ You can’t stop living and appreciating life because of something that you cannot control.”

And there it is … oh Lord, he has such weird analogies, but when it came down to it, he was absolutely right and made me giggle in the process. Little does he know, this is why I carry tissues in my purse. You can never be too prepared when poop strikes. Logically, I understand his point, but putting it into practice will be tricky. I know I have my work cut out for me.

BART:  Insurance will not cover me having the new genetic test, BRACAnalysis® Rearrangement Test™ (BART), because I need to meet two requirements: 1) young age when diagnosed with cancer (I meet this one) and 2) family history of cancer. Because I don’t meet the second requirement, insurance will not cover the cost of the test. My oncologist, Dr. Heyer said he isn’t worried about it because it would only be a one to two percent chance that I would test positive. Although the percentage of someone developing stage-III breast cancer at the age of 26 was less than those odds ... and I got it.

Having the test would help determine the probability of a secondary cancer, like ovarian. I could be proactive in my treatment if I tested positive and go ahead and shut my ovaries down. Also if I have the gene, I would be passing it to my child, which might determine whether or not Matt and I want to try to have a baby. I still want the test. I just need to figure out how to pay for it.

Removing My Ovaries:  In 2008 when I was diagnosed with stage-III breast cancer, Dr. Heyer said that by the age of 40 I needed to have my ovaries removed to prevent a secondary cancer. When I asked him about it again today he said he wanted to wait to have the discussion. He wants to see if my period returns after I am off the Tamoxifen and give Matt and I a chance to conceive.

Depending on all that, he may recommend removing my ovaries, giving me a shot that basically turns my ovaries off without having to have invasive surgery or something new that’s been created in the next ten years. There is a hormone therapy, much like Tamoxifen for women who are menopausal, which unlike Tamoxifen has NO bad side effects. Instead it has amazing properties that help the body. I will most likely go on that medication when I am menopausal.

I am still processing the appointment and feel like a crazy lady in the street panicked with my wad of toilet paper, waiting for the shit storm. I guess all I can do is trust my medical team and try to find some balance mentally and physically with it all. I desperately want a plan of action. I want it all mapped out and for someone to tell me I will be OK. However, these types of things don’t work that way. I have to look at the task at hand and put all my energy into staying well and managing the side effects while I finish my Tamoxifen treatment over the next year. I’ll see Dr. Heyer again in another six months.

May: 8 Things I Love Right Now

BIS Programs 
I recently learned about the Bachelor of Individualized Study (BIS) program and I think it is brilliant. My brother, Joey and I attended an information session and he has decided to re-enter his bachelor’s program to finish his remaining credits. I am so excited that he found a program that really advocates for adults who want to re-enter academia.

“Mason's Bachelor of Individualized Study (BIS) program is a degree completion program for adult learners. Students create their own interdisciplinary concentrations to meet their own educational needs: to advance professionally, to prepare for graduate or professional programs, or to plan a path toward a career change.” - bis.gmu.edu

BCBGMAXAZRIA Fragrance
I recently visited Sephora with my friend Kelli and liked the bottle of this fragrance so I decided to smell it. It is on my must-have list for the summer. Here’s the description:

“Confident notes of wild strawberry and black cherry sparkle with a hint of kir royal, inviting delicate shades of jasmine, lily, violet and rose. A flourish of luxurious orris, among the most precious in nature, blends with distinctive base notes of musk and sandalwood.” - bcbg.com

Dog Days at Breaux Vineyards
If you know me well, you know my Chihuahua Jasper is constantly top of mind and I take him everywhere I possibly can. That’s why I love Dog Days and Breaux Vineyards. Here’s the description:

“Join us at the vineyard this May 12th to enjoy our annual Dog Day celebration - don't forget to bring your 4-legged friend along with you! We will have live music on our patio by Steele & Oglevee from 12:30-4:30, wine tastings, food by The Cajun Experience, local dog rescue organizations, doggie-based vendors and crafters. We will also have treats and watering stations for the furry family members you bring along. No admission fee!” - breauxvineyards.com

Selfish for 27 Days
I have conversations with my friend Kelli about when “self” became a four letter word. Why do we feel guilty for being selfish? In order to keep your mind and body balanced and healthy you must take time out for you. Don’t we all deserve that? I think so. There is no harm in loving yourself and allowing yourself to make your own priority list. It’s time to celebrate YOU.

That is why I love the idea of Selfish for 27 Days. You don’t have to open your wallet and sign up for the program, but it’s worth trying to take 30 minutes each day over the next month to do something just for you. It doesn’t seem like it would be that difficult, but if you’re like me, you are constantly running in five different directions. It’s time to press pause to take better care of ourselves.

Chalking / Sock Buns
So I may not be seventeen anymore, but I can still appreciate some of the new hair trends for spring. One that has gotten a lot of attention recently is “chalking.” Say goodbye to the feathers and hello to tie-dye tipped hair. With artist chalk ($5), a spray bottle with water, a hot iron and an old towel, girls are transforming their ‘dos.

Another trend that I have yet to try but love the look of oh-so-much is the sock bun and the sock curls. Who knew a sock could completely transform the way your hair looks? Here are the steps to achieving a sock bun and the sock curls. Oh, to be young again.

Oreo’s 100th Birthday
It’s hard to believe that milk’s favorite cookie is celebrating its 100th birthday this year.

Here are some fun facts written by Sarah Clark, fox4kc.com:

• More than 362 billion Oreos have been sold in more than 100 countries across the globe
• Oreos are the world’s top-selling cookie of the 21st Century
• The Oreo takes 59 minutes to make
• The Oreo is covered in a pattern of 12 flowers, 12 dots and 12 dashes with 90 ridges around the edge
• In a research survey by Kraft, they found 84 percent of men eat the cookie whole, while 41 percent of women twist, turn and eat the cookie bit by bit

Honest Tea Pomegranate Red Tea With Goji
I decided to try this tea one day at Sweetgreen in Reston Town Center and ever since I try to have it once a week. It has a great mix of sweet with some Earthy tasting spice, so it doesn’t need anything added to it. It is perfection. Here’s the description:

“Red is the color of passion, and this red tea combines three of the strongest passions: great taste, good health and social impact. There’s the antioxidant power of pomegranates, sweet goji berries from China and caffeine-free red tea from a community-owned farmer’s co-op in South Africa. It isn’t just tasty tea with a long name, it’s passion with a purpose.” - honesttea.com

Rent the Runway: A designer closet for all life’s occasions
Confession: Most of my really nice dresses I don’t own … I have rented them for 10% the retail value from Rent the Runway. The problem with expensive taste is that it can do a number on your wallet, so I cut the cost, and keep the closet space. It’s a win/win situation.

I have rented dresses by designers like Herve Leger, Nicole Miller, Christian Siriano and Versace.

As far as getting the right size, I can read reviews by other women who are my height, weight and size and see if the dress runs small or large, plus I can order the dress in two different sizes at no extra charge. If that isn’t enough to entice you, there is a stylist always on hand to do a live chat and help you find the right style for your upcoming event. J’adore!!!

The Raging River

Imagine that you're in the middle of a raging river. Your heart is racing, adrenaline is pumping and all you can focus on is surviving and getting to the bank on the other side.

Once you are safely across you look around in order to figure out where you are and how to get home.

Once you're safely home and away from the danger of the raging river, you might start processing the event and thinking about how scary that was and how on Earth you made it through that ordeal.

It may be months or years later. You are running the bath water. You watch the water lap against the edge of the tub and that fear and anxiety catches in your chest. You think, "I hate the raging river" and "There's no way I'm getting in that bathtub."

Phobias may begin to crop up, like the fear of going into deep water, or driving over a bridge. I refer to it as the "swirl" but I have friends who describe it as being stuck in the water spinning down a faucet. Interesting that we visualize the feeling the exact same way.

For me, the raging river is my cancer diagnosis diagnosis and surviving the treatment in 2008. I coped in order to get through the trauma. Later I began to process what had happened and then there was a trigger (one of my best friends, Jenn, was diagnosed with stage-IV breast cancer) and that allowed me to suddenly grieve the trauma/loss felt back in 2008-2010.

This is how my therapist describes post traumatic stress disorder to me and the only analogy that has actually made sense based on my experience.

I hope by sharing this here it can help someone else. Your experience doesn't have to be cancer, it can be any loss or trauma you have experienced. You're not alone and it does get better.

April: 8 Things I Love Right Now

Gotye
It was during a visit with my family that my mom insisted that my brother play a video on his iPhone for me. It was a new artist that, at the time, we thought was the son of Sting. My mom still refers to him as “Baby Sting.” I watch a very emotional and passionate video with a Belgian-Australian singer, who to me, looked French. Genealogy aside, this man’s voice took me back to the 1980's and The Police and I was enthralled by the sound. It wasn’t even a week later and I heard him on the radio … he went mainstream in the U.S. and the tickets that were originally $30 at the 9:30 Club in Washington, D.C. jumped to $150. I love my French "Baby Sting."

Watch Gotye’s ‘Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra)’

Peonies
It’s that time of year … when peonies bloom. They are my favorite flowers and they only bloom between April and June, depending on where you live. I find them to be incredibly elegant. I love the roundness of the bloom and how full they get. (I know, I'm super girly.) They remind me of the vendors at sporting events that would carry a bouquet of cotton candy. If I were getting married in the spring, I would have a huge bouquet of peonies. After falling in love with the bloom I did some research on it. The peony is named after Paeon (also spelled Paean), a student of Asclepius, the Greek god of medicine and healing. Asclepius became jealous of his pupil; Zeus saved Paeon from the wrath of Asclepius by turning him into the peony flower.

Wellness Warrior
I was introduced to Jess Ainscough’s blog several months ago. She is an Australian writer, blogger and certified holistic health coach. What intrigued me about her story is that four years ago (when I was diagnosed with cancer) she was diagnosed with an aggressive, rare form of cancer called Epithelioid Sarcoma, in her left hand and arm. After going through chemotherapy and going into remission, a year later the cancer came back. Instead of going through more chemotherapy, radiation and amputation of her arm, she began searching for natural, alternative cancer treatments. I find her journey to be inspiring and I have already used several of her recipes which are delicious.

Read Jess’ blog called Wellness Warrior.

Schwinn Voyageur 7
With my fiance, Matt, being passionate about bike riding, I thought it could be fun if I used some of my generous bonus and purchase a bike for myself. Matt has a fancy bike made for speed. It’s a TREK bike that I got him for Christmas two years ago. I didn’t want something where I had to lean over and pretend that I have a “need for speed.” Instead, I wanted something that I could ride leisurely around the neighborhood and even buy a little trailer for Jasper to tag along with me. I found the perfect bike and it will be shipping in the next two weeks. They didn't have an XS in stock, so I had to order it from their warehouse.

See the Schwinn Voyageur 7.

Spring Wardrobe
If you know me well, then you know I love fashion. After a significant closet purge, I decided it was time to start replacing some of my older clothing that has either seen better days, looks a little too young on me or no longer fits. My purge had to happen in two phases since I was pretty attached to some items initially.

I am really into vintage-inspired pieces that have a lot of movement, color and pattern. I love Anthropologie and South Moon Under, but over time these stores can become really expensive, so I have started finding unique pieces at shops like, ModCloth, Shop Ruche, Shabby Apple, Tulle, and Matilda Jane Clothing. With my cute new items, I’ll be ready to step into spring once it arrives.

Visit Anthropologie, South Moon Under, ModCloth, Shop Ruche, Shabby Apple, Tulle, and Matilda Jane Clothing.

ALICE (in wonderland)
Never before has The Washington Ballet combined such forces to create a new ballet. From the revolutionary vision of artistic director Septime Webre, designer Liz Vandal (Cirque du Soliel's OVO) and composer Matthew Pierce comes a spectacularly re-imagined take on Lewis Carroll's classic story. Enter the magical world of Alice's adventures April 11-15 at the Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C., splendidly costumed and gloriously danced… an unforgettable journey down the rabbit hole and the season's grandest production!

Read more about the production ALICE.

Acupuncture
Say what you want about acupuncture, but it has made me feel significantly better. I have more energy, feel stronger and more balanced. I don’t attribute my new found health 100% to acupuncture. My acupuncturist suggested several vitamins, which I am taking regularly. They consist of vitamin C, D3, fish oil, multivitamins, and probiotics. I have also readjusted my eating patterns so that I am consuming less sugar and more protein. It wasn’t easy, but within three weeks my body had enough strength and energy that I felt like working out again. I am also getting a massage once a month to help with the circulation issues in my hands and feet from the Tamoxifen. I don’t know if my body will ever be back to where it was, but it is my responsibility, and mine alone, to do everything in my power to live a healthy life and give myself the best possible odds to not suffer with cancer again.

Welcome to Seasons in Our Life: Well Being, Healing, Self-Improvement

Okra and Parsnips and Cashews, Oh My
I have started practicing the Dirty Dozen and Clean 15 and have moved into a more organic and fresh diet. You are what you eat, after all. Poor Matt watched as I purged all the bad food in the pantry and refrigerator back in December and since then I have vowed to prepare a healthy dinner Monday through Friday. For a guy who worked in a cheese steak shop in Philadelphia, cutting out the red meat has been challenging, but it’s a work in progress. In this process, I realized that I’m allergic to hazelnuts and soy and that Matt hates kale, eggplant, fish, mustard, mayo, beets and many other items. Again, it’s a process. I learned that I’m really good at cooking and there are new foods that I love eating. You have to remember, everything tasted metallic to me for about two years from the chemotherapy, so I am really starting to enjoy new flavors.

What simple pleasures are adding to your life at the moment?

Just a Dog

From time to time people tell me, “Lighten up, it’s just a dog,” or, “That’s a lot of money for just a dog.” They don’t understand the distance traveled, time spent, or costs involved for “Just a dog.” Some of my proudest moments have come about with “Just a dog.” Many hours have passed with my only company being “Just a dog,” and not once have I felt slighted. Some of my saddest moments were brought about by “Just a dog.” In those days of darkness, the gentle touch of “Just a dog” provided comfort and purpose to overcome the day.

If you, too, think it's “Just a dog,” you will probably understand phrases like “Just a friend,” “Just a sunrise,” or “Just a promise.” “Just a dog” brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. “Just a dog” brings out the compassion and patience that makes me a better person. Because of “Just a dog” I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future.

For me and folks like me, it’s not “Just a dog.” It’s an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment. “Just a dog” brings out what’s good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day.

I hope that someday people can understand it’s not “Just a dog.” It’s the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being “Just a man or woman.”

So the next time you hear “Just a dog,” smile, because they “Just don’t understand.”

~ Author unknown

Eat Pray Love

You’d think by now I wouldn’t get so surprised when things in my life parallel … but I am still astonished by life’s ability to make connections and my openness to seeing them.

This weekend Matt was in Pennsylvania visiting his family, so I took the opportunity to go to bed early, cuddle up with Jasper and watch a movie. When I turned on the TV it just happened to be the movie, ‘Eat Pray Love.’ A film I had missed seeing when it was in theaters. I got my box of tissues and prepped myself for a good cry. It may seem a bit weird, but I look forward to a good cry once in awhile and there are two women that make this task very easy for me, Julia Roberts and Meg Ryan. So, I knew what I was in for.

I’m sure most of you know the story, so I will not bore you with reciting the plot; instead I want to share some moments in the movie that stuck with me.

Liz Gilbert:  “In the end, I've come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.”

Wow. Beautiful writing. I believe so deeply in the power of this and feel as though this is what I am currently doing in my life. I refer to it as “self work” but “The Physics of the Quest” certainly sounds more intriguing. For me, I look at the idea of ego vs. meaning … stripping away the superficial and insignificant ideologies and truly finding understanding, meaning, enlightenment and forgiveness. The concept of “a clue” is what I refer to as “connections” – being spiritually aware in order to make connections and find parallels in your life. You don’t have to fully understand the meaning of it, just that puzzle pieces are presenting themselves – the analysis may not come until later.

The way in which love is depicted through the writing in this movie is brilliant. There is one scene that captures the essence of love. Javier Bardem sobs as he says goodbye to his nineteen-year-old son who was visiting from Australia. The interaction between father and son is moving, but Julia Robert’s character takes on a different emotion witnessing this embrace. She has empathy for the first time in the movie—true, honest empathy. She actually feels something for someone else’s feelings. The writing and acting connected well and I used my tissues accordingly.

On Sunday sixteen breast cancer survivors gathered for the first Pink Sister Brunch, hopefully the first of many. We are all at different stages of life, treatment, recovery and healing. This gathering was a long time coming and for some reason it felt right to do it now. It’s hard to put into words what it felt like for me to be a part of organizing the get together. My heart was beyond fulfilled and bursting with excitement that these women were organically making connections and I left feeling inspired from the stories of hope, perseverance and support.

The concept of Ego vs. Meaning was quite evident. When you go through something traumatic in your life, like breast cancer, ego goes out the door. You gain weight on the steroids, you lose your hair, eyebrows and eyelashes, your skin grays, your nails bruise and fall off and, most likely, you lose your breasts. There is no vanity to hide behind. There is nothing gradual or kind about the process – you are stripped to the most raw, vulnerable and pure version of yourself and you grasp desperately for the meaning in it all. For some it takes a little while, but inevitably food starts to taste a lot richer, the grass and flowers smell more beautiful, you hug your friends and family a little longer – meaning surfaces when you are stripped to the most honest and, quite frankly, best version of yourself. It’s no longer about how you look in the photo, but that you were in it at all. Life changes for the caterpillar and the best version of her emerges from the cocoon. Empathy. Compassion. Resilience. Patience.

Being in a room with these sixteen women, I could honestly be the most honest version of myself. We didn’t chit chat about the weather and put fake smiles on our faces and give the most generic answer when asked, "How are you doing?" I have never experienced anything like it before. You might think from my description that it was a sad reunion, but it was as far from that as it could possibly be. We simply had honest and thoughtful conversations that involved topics of wellness, fertility, adoption, reconstruction, the Susan G. Komen controversy, nutrition, weddings, side effects, depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, other Pink Sisters we have lost, scar tissue, fitness, our hair and so on. These were understanding conversations that lacked pity and judgment – they were pure and honest.

This group of women has been pushed into a truth-seeking quest without asking for it, yet almost every one of them will say that cancer is the best thing that’s happened to her. I’m honored to be in an elite group with these remarkable women and love them for the truest most exposed and beautiful versions of themselves that have hatched from their cocoons.

My Jigsaw Puzzle

I am continuing to work on this jigsaw puzzle I call my life. I have the whole set laid before me on the floor and I have begun work on identifying the pieces that frame the outside border. It’s a strange feeling to take a step back from the everyday hustle and bustle, evaluate the situations, traumas and emotions in your life, and attempt to piece them together in a way that makes sense. Although this work is exhausting, I think it might be the greatest thing I have ever done in my lifetime.

I have been a nervous Nelly for as long as I can remember, but I don’t think I have ever fully understood the intricacies of anxiety. It is not a one size fits all diagnosis. Instead it is a blanket term for a number of disorders that are classified into two groups: continuous symptoms and episodic symptoms. Anxiety disorder is divided into generalized anxiety disorder, phobic disorder and panic disorder; each has its own characteristics and symptoms.

My therapist Nancy Whiteley, LCP explained to me that anxiety is when the mind and body are completely in sync with one another. Your body creates a physical reaction for an emotion you are feeling, which can be both good and bad. Having a base diagnosis of anxiety and then experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) on top of it, is where I am currently.

Here are the different forms of anxiety I am now experiencing with PTSD:

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder which results in from a traumatic experience. Post-traumatic stress can result from an extreme situation, such as combat, natural disaster, rape, hostage situations, child abuse, bullying or even a serious accident. It can also result from long term (chronic) exposure to a severe stressor, for example soldiers who endure individual battles but cannot cope with continuous combat. Common symptoms include hypervigilance, flashbacks, avoidant behaviors, anxiety, anger and depression. There are a number of treatments which form the basis of the care plan for those suffering with PTSD. Such treatments include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), psychotherapy and support from family and friends. These are all examples of treatments used to help people suffering from PTSD. —Wikipedia

I am now processing the emotions that I previously just coped through from my battle with stage-III breast cancer four years ago. Jenn has brought me the “gift of grief” and is allowing me to move through my emotions while supporting her in her battle against breast cancer.

Agoraphobia is the specific anxiety about being in a place or situation where escape is difficult or embarrassing or where help may be unavailable. Agoraphobia is strongly linked with panic disorder and is often precipitated by the fear of having a panic attack. A common manifestation involves needing to be in constant view of a door or other escape route. In addition to the fears themselves, the term agoraphobia is often used to refer to avoidance behaviors that sufferers often develop. For example, following a panic attack while driving, someone suffering from agoraphobia may develop anxiety over driving and will therefore avoid driving. These avoidance behaviors can often have serious consequences; in severe cases, one can be confined to one's home. —Wikipedia

It took two years before I would let Matt drive with me in the passenger seat. I always have to be the one driving. I often play the “what if” game and work myself into a frenzy. What if I get sick? What if we’re at the restaurant and I have a panic attack? My friends will get mad at me and blame me for ruining their evening. I often will come up with excuses to get out of going completely, or to drive separately. I have an errand to run beforehand, so I’ll meet you all there. And the worst part is, I then feel guilty about lying and nothing bad happens anyway. I don’t get sick and no one blames me for a bad time. It’s all just silly and I hate it. I always have to know where a bathroom is, too. Once I know where it is, I typically relax. Going to a new place I haven’t been before causes some anxiety until I scope it out and know all of my “plan b” options. I’m that thorough. CONFESSION: I have, at times, gone to a place prior to the actual day of the event just to scope it out and find where the exits and bathrooms are located.

Separation anxiety disorder (SepAD) is the feeling of excessive and inappropriate levels of anxiety over being separated from a person or place. Separation anxiety is a normal part of development in babies or children, and it is only when this feeling is excessive or inappropriate that it can be considered a disorder. Separation anxiety disorder affects roughly 7% of adults and 4% of children, but the childhood cases tend to be more severe; in some instances even a brief separation can produce panic.—Wikipedia

I get anxious when I think about going off of the Tamoxifen in two years. In my head I associate the Tamoxifen with keeping the cancer away. My therapist said that this is onset now because Jenn is receiving chemotherapy, which parallels my cancer treatment.

In panic disorder, a person suffers from brief attacks of intense terror and apprehension, often marked by trembling, shaking, confusion, dizziness, nausea, difficulty breathing. These panic attacks, defined by the APA as fear or discomfort that abruptly arises and peaks in less than ten minutes, can last for several hours and can be triggered by stress, fear, or even exercise; the specific cause is not always apparent.

In addition to recurrent unexpected panic attacks, a diagnosis of panic disorder requires that said attacks have chronic consequences: either worry over the attacks' potential implications, persistent fear of future attacks, or significant changes in behavior related to the attacks. Accordingly, those suffering from panic disorder experience symptoms even outside specific panic episodes. Often, normal changes in heartbeat are noticed by a panic sufferer, leading them to think something is wrong with their heart or they are about to have another panic attack. In some cases, a heightened awareness (hypervigilance) of body functioning occurs during panic attacks, wherein any perceived physiological change is interpreted as a possible life-threatening illness (i.e., extreme hypochondriasis). —Wikipedia

The agoraphobia typically leads to panic disorder. I have maybe had 50 in my lifetime. It always starts with my jaw tightening and then I began panicking knowing what is about to happen. I shake, tremble, get dizzy, my heart beats out of my chest, I go to the bathroom or vomit, I sweat profusely and my stomach will spasm and convulse. I cannot focus on anything—it completely consumes me. Once it passes I am literally exhausted and fall asleep.

Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is a type of anxiety disorder primarily characterized by repetitive obsessions (distressing, persistent, and intrusive thoughts or images) and compulsions (urges to perform specific acts or rituals). It affects roughly around 3% of the population worldwide. The OCD thought pattern may be likened to superstitions insofar as it involves a belief in a causative relationship where, in reality, one does not exist. Often the process is entirely illogical; for example, the compulsion of walking in a certain pattern may be employed to alleviate the obsession of impending harm. And in many cases, the compulsion is entirely inexplicable, simply an urge to complete a ritual triggered by nervousness.

In a slight minority of cases, sufferers of OCD may only experience obsessions, with no overt compulsions; a much smaller number of sufferers experience only compulsions. —Wikipedia

If I feel like other things in my life are out of control, or beyond my control, I will get transfixed and obsessive about my house being clean. I do this, according to my therapist, because it is something I can control. I kept a calendar for which days I clean what and even do things sequentially. Poor Matt just smiles and puts up with my crazy. My argument: at least I have a clean home.

There is another concept that I am not as familiar with called “self-trust.” For most of my life I have had a pretty good idea of how I feel about certain things. Typically you fall in the middle of the scale and can look at both sides and say “That doesn’t seem right” or “I agree with that,” but trauma in the form of life or death illness catches you off guard, like getting hit by a brick. It puts you in an indecisive and vulnerable state where you don’t necessarily trust your own opinion anymore, so you look to others to guide you. This also enhances all of your other anxieties, hence why I am struggling to put these jigsaw pieces together.

The good news, you ask? Most people with all of the above are off medication and complete therapy in seven months. I have to remember what my therapist told me at the beginning, “feel deeply and recover quickly.” That is what I intend to do. Am I always going to be a nervous Nelly? Yeah, probably, but I will have cognitive ways to manage my response to situations … and my home will remain clean.