My Crippled State of Mind

The pain shot from the outside of my left breast up to my shoulder as I pulled myself out of bed. My breath escaped me. I cranked up the heating pad and laid back down in bed. My tears soaked my hair to my cheeks and left tiny puddles on my pillow case. Jasper became anxious and whimpered running over to lick my face. My little peanut knows me all too well. He’s seen this time and time again.

Some people’s joints act up when the weather changes in an arthritic-nature. When the air pressure changes drastically, I collect fluid where my lymph nodes have been removed and swell to the point of excruciating, piercing pain. The fluid is pleuratic in nature and will move from my lower back, to my breast and then my shoulder and then move again—all up-and-down my left side.

I managed to pull myself together and stepped into the bathroom. I stood facing the mirror in my long-sleeved white Alpha Omicron Pi Alumni shirt that my parents bought me for Christmas and my underwear. I lifted my shirt and looked at my chest to see if I noticed anything different. Running my finger tips along the edge of my left breast I winced in pain. I needed a second opinion.

Matt was sitting in the office writing a paper for class. I approached him saying, “Matt, can you to do me a favor and look at my boobs?” He turned and faced me smiling a little deviously and responded, “Is this a trick question?” After Matt reassured me that the redness was just a result of the heating pad, I laid back in bed with Jasper. It didn’t take long for my jaw to lock and the rush of anxiety to come over me again. I began to shake and Jasper whimpered softly tucking his nose beneath my neck. 

Matt came into the bedroom sensing something was wrong, catching me in a panic attack. This caused me to cry even harder.

“I’m scared.”

“Jennifer, take a step back and don’t jump to conclusions. This happens once in awhile, you know what it is.”

“But it’s miserable.”

“I know, but it’s going to be ok.”

“I’m mentally crippled. I don’t want to be like this the rest of my life.”

“Babe, it’s all going to be ok. Trust me. Just relax.”

Sure enough, just a day later the pain and swelling has subsided. Life has resumed as normal. But I know when the weather changes again I will spiral into my crippled state of mind. My good friend Stephanie put it best in a message to me, “Just because the “cancer” is gone doesn’t mean the cancer is gone.” I still can’t seem to escape it.

My Safety Blanket

Jennifer: I am trying to find a place to donate my wigs.
It is a really hard thing for me to part with them.
I want them to go to a cancer patient.
Matt: That’s good.
Why don’t we take a trip to a hospital and do it in person or something?
Would that mean more?
Or be more meaningful?
Jennifer: Um, well, there was a "wig bin" at my oncology office.
I may contact them and see if they know of any patients that are having financial issues or who are having a difficult time finding a wig.
Matt: Yea
That works too.
Jennifer: I don't know.
I am just weird about it.
I feel like if I get rid of them the cancer will come back.
Matt: No baby.
That’s not true.
Jennifer: I know in my head that it's not true, but I can’t help but feel this horrible anxiety about giving them away.
They were like a safety blanket for so long.
It was like they hid the sickness and I could be normal.
And if I get rid of them my hair will fall out again and I won’t have my disguise.
Matt: Yea.
Everything is going to be ok baby :)

… and to this day I make the effort to research homes for my beautiful wigs, but I still find a reason not to part with them. They continue to keep me safe.

I have cancer again, don’t I?

Toni: Deep breath, Jennifer. I am telling you that I’m 99% sure this is NOT cancer. This is what we call folliculitis. It is basically an infected pore where a hair is.
me: It sounds like cancer. But my lymph node…
Toni: Yes, the infection has backed up into your lymph node and that’s why it is swollen. Use some hot compresses over the next few days and I’ll give you an antibiotic to take if it does not go away.
me: But what if it’s cancer. (*tears started pouring down my eyes*)
Toni: Jennifer, look at me. I will not lie to you. It is NOT cancer. (*Toni wrapped her arms around me and let me cry while having a panic attack.*)

I blushed and glanced down at the ground in embarrassment as I finished telling my oncologist, Dr. Heyer about my hysterical visit to my primary care doctor, Toni Nelson. Right before I left for Stone Harbor over Memorial Day weekend I found a dime-sized swollen lymph node on my leg and demanded an emergency appointment.

Dr. Heyer looked at me with sympathetic and honest eyes and said, “Do you want to know if this feeling and reaction ever go away?”
I nodded.
“It never goes away, Jennifer. I have patients that have been in remission for decades who come into the office with a bump, scar tissue or other anomaly on their body and their knee-jerk reaction is always cancer.”
“I don’t want to always have this reaction.”
“Jennifer, it’s normal. Now the anxiety you feel when waiting for test results will get easier over time …”
Doubtful, I thought to myself.
“… but the other reaction won’t. And that’s ok. That’s why we are here. If you ever want me to just look or check out something you are concerned about, you can always pop in here. We understand and, believe it or not, it happens often.”
“Well, at least I know I’m not the only crazy patient with in grown hairs.”
Dr. Heyer smiled in a very non-judgmental way, which I appreciated at the moment.

My exam ended with Dr. Heyer believing that I had no need for any imaging since I seemed to be in superb physical health and no oncology appointments for six months. What am I going to do with all my free time!?

Train Screeching to a Halt

There is a plan we all have in the back of our minds for how our life will unfold. I am still always surprised when the train derails and I have to regroup and face a new life challenge to get back on track.

I had an abnormal pap smear (which I have never had before) and it didn’t find cancer, but it DID find high-risk, suspicious cells. After a colposcopy and a very painful biopsy the cells were found to be concerning, which the doctors felt needed to be eliminated immediately to avoid the cells developing into cervical cancer.

Several weeks after healing from the colposcopy and biopsy, I had cryosurgery, which was one of the most painful and strange experiences of my life. The procedure basically freezes and kills all the cells in your cervix, a lot like freezing off a wart. Once all the skin is shed, I will go back every three months for a repeat pap smear.

After speaking with my primary care physician, oncologist and women’s health specialist, I realized that these high risk cells are not in anyway related to my breast cancer, but because of my history, they wanted to be aggressive and stop these cells in their tracks. (And, yes, I should be able to carry a child still if I choose to in the future.)

I hate always having these medical concerns popping up, but I sure am blessed to have great doctors who are so in touch with my body and professional care. So … I shall wait for my next test in three months in the hopes that my train is running smoothly and back on the track.

Out With the Old and in with Jasper

I don’t know that I am necessarily “nesting,” but I am completely redecorated my condo and Matty and I are having a baby … well, we bought a puppy.

Two weeks ago, I had my condo painted professionally. I went from warm beige to a cool and contemporary grey blue called French Silver. I love how my home looks brand new and nothing like the place I spent two years being incredibly ill, sleeping on my bathroom floor and fighting for my life. It feels like a new beginning – a place for Matty and I – and it feels amazing.

For several months Matty and I have been looking a puppies online. Twice we fell in love and were disappointed when the puppies we liked had deposits or applications on them already … then we found little Jasper.

Jasper was born on November 14 and is just 10 weeks old. He is a black and tan longhaired Chihuahua that is expected to be 4-4.5 pounds when fully grown. We will travel to the animal rescue farm in Bristol, VA over Valentine’s Day weekend to pick up our baby boy and bring him home.

Now I need to hustle and finish redecorating my home so tiny Jasper doesn’t have to deal with the changes. Matty and I are ecstatic and think this represents a new beginning for our new little family.

01/01/2010: A Couple That Pukes Together, Stays Together

After spending two days in the ER and tossing nausea pills back and forth with Matty as we laid motionless on my couch, I can honestly say that the swine flu was no joke.

I was shocked that with my compromised immune system that I had not gotten the flu this season. Just when I thought that I had escaped its wrath, Matty and I got incredibly ill. Having just had knee surgery number 14, Matty was unable to drive me to the hospital, so after calling 911 and the EMTs carrying me to the ambulance, I spent New Year’s Eve in the hospital with an IV … just like last year.

Let’s hope this is not the theme for the remainder of the year. My resolution is to take the best care of my body as possible and be healthy. Starting the year with the flu is not making me very optimistic. :(

12/5/2009: Porn Star Nipples

"Wow, those are like porn star nipples."

My fat grafting and nipple reconstruction was on November, 19, 2009 at Georgetown University Hospital and took about an hour. I woke up from surgery with VERY sore legs. This is where they did liposuction and removed fat to transplant to my breast. I wasn't able to see what they had done to my nipples because I had these cones on to protect them. I felt like Madonna. I, of course, was in normal silly mode and making jokes about the situation and being able to poke people's eyes out with my massive nipples.

It was my boyfriend, Matt's, birthday the day of surgery and waiting in the car I had a cake, candles and plates. Despite the circumstances, my parents and I lit three candles representing past, present and future and sang happy birthday to him in the emergency parking garage. People must have thought we were crazy, but I didn't care -- we needed to celebrate.

I spent the weekend at my parents recovering and nursing my legs that were black and blue from the back of my knees to my hips. I knew it would end up being my legs that would cause the most issues. It was difficult to sleep on my side or even sit for a long period of time because I was so bruised. On day three I was allowed to remove my cones. My nipples were HUGE. My surgeon tried to warn me that they would be big because your body will reabsorb 50 percent of transferred tissue. It was difficult to get used to, since I have been without nipples for a year and a half, but slowly I started to like them. Once I had my stitches removed two weeks later they shrunk and softened.

I now have an appointment on December 28, 2009 to have color matching done for my tattooing. Everything is skin-tone right now, so I am going back to my original plastic surgeon, Dr. Wendy Gottlieb, to have my color(s) selected and then will have that done in February or March 2010 as the nipples need time to heal. I am looking forward to having everything done and being back to "normal." (Whatever that means.)

My friends who have seen my new nipples think they are porn star worthy since they are quite "perky" still. I am told that they will soften more over time, but they will stay pretty alert. I think I can deal with that ...