8/6/2008: Filled to Capacity

Having just been "filled to capacity" my friend was enquiring about how my newly inflated left breast looked. (Just a reminder, my plastic surgeon could only fill my left breast due to the need of radiating the center of my chest.) We snuck into the bathroom and once inside the handicap stall I lifted my shirt revealing my newly stretched breast. "Holy crap, Jen, that's huge!" she said. "I know, right? Look at it from the side." I turned showing her my newly defined profile. "I cannot believe how great it looks," she responded. "You can feel it if you want," I offered. She raised her hand, and then drew it back in hesitation, and then she lifted her hand again and touched my breast. "Oh my God, it's hard as a brick. It doesn't feel like my other girl friends that have had implants," she said. We both laughed and I explained that it was "brick-like" because the expanders are made with hard, thick plastic unlike the final silicone implant that will be squishy and breast-like. Not only that, but my skin had just been stretched an hour before so everything was extremely tight and sore. I then took my friend's hand and pressed it against the side of my right breast that hadn't been filled. I felt the implant ripple under my skin and pop in and out. She quickly jerked her hand back and said, "What was that?" I think she was worried that she had hurt me. I laughed and told her that's what the implant feels like when it hasn't been completely filled. When I roll over in my sleep at night the implant that hasn't been filled dips and pops continuously ... it is the weirdest feeling in the world.

I think more than a dozen people have been privy to checking out my "transitional pair." I consider it a learning experience for my family and close friends. They have had to experience and endure a lot of this journey with me and I want them to know that I am really okay. Most people are surprised with how good my "transitional pair" looks. I think we all expected it to be much worse than it is and they really do look good.

Although being lopsided is not ideal, it is just temporary and not the end of the world. I have learned how to work around it and no one else can tell besides me, anyway. It is just not that important in the scope of things. I need to get through this third phase of my journey, and then I will be evened back out again. I look forward to that, but I am not obsessing about it. I finally feel like the old (but improved) Jennifer is resurfacing and I really must admit that I have missed her.

7/29/2008: The Fill

"Is this going to hurt?" I asked my plastic surgeon. "Most people don't feel a thing," she responded as she steadied the metal detector over the top of my breast. The metal pendulum steadied … it found the port beneath my skin. She picked up the large needle on the table. She was moving quickly and I was trying to stall her with chit-chat. She said, "Here we go." I looked away, bit my index finger and filled my mind with a lovely beach scene. I exclaimed, "I didn't feel that at all." Dr. Gottlieb smiled and asked, "What does it feel like?" as she slowly filled my expander with saline. I could feel the edges unraveling while filling up and it felt as though someone was pushing against my chest. My breast grew tighter and tighter. It was like watching National Geographic when they speed up a bud turning into a flower. How on Earth do you describe that feeling?

I had horrible anxiety about having my first fill and it was a piece of cake. Life's little annoyances seem to just be a walk in the park these days. It's hard to complain about anything after going through 18 weeks of chemotherapy.

I have one more fill on my left breast before beginning radiation. Yes, they are only filling one side because I am developing too much cleavage. Agggh … so exciting! I have never had "too much cleavage." On Friday my left breast will be filled to 250cc while my right will only be at 150cc. This way, during radiation they will be able to get "a good line" to treat the membrane and lymph nodes in the center of my chest. I don't mind being lopsided for six weeks if it means preventing cancer from returning.

My radiation begins August 11 and ends September 19 and I have it every week day at 8:30 in the morning. I have a couple of pre-radiation appointments over the next two weeks where the nurses will permanently tattoo my skin (the spots will look like freckles) and run "films" to prepare me for radiation. I don't know what all of that entails, but we will learn together.

Once radiation is over, my plastic surgeon can resume filling my right breast with saline (creating amazing cleavage), so both breasts will be at 250cc. But that doesn't mean that's the size I will end up with … that is just the maximum size of the expander my plastic surgeon used. I'll leave the final size a secret for now. The implant surgery won't be done until sometime in November.

Other than making appointments, I have been busy resuming a somewhat normal life. I am back to work fulltime, working out daily (physical therapy exercises, walking and static bike), spending time with friends, resuming work on my thesis and enjoying each day to the fullest. My hate list still exists, however it is quickly dwindling. I do know that the hardest part is over, but I still have seven more months of treatment and surgeries to go. I now move into phase 3 … radiation. I am summoning all my strength, yet again, and mentally preparing myself for this next task at hand. And so my journey continues …