I unbuttoned my blouse, took his hand and slipped it under my bra. I guided his fingers to the lump and said, "What the f&%k is that?" His eyes got bigger as he started pressing on the lump and pinching it between his fingers. "It feels like it is sitting on your rib. I'm going to need you to undress and put on a robe so I can examine you," said my oncologist, Dr. Heyer. He left the room and I crumbled into the chair. My jaw clenched with the onset of an anxiety attack and I could feel my heart surging out of control.
I was in the oncology office for my second to last Herceptin treatment and had not intended to talk to Dr. Heyer about my new found lump until I saw him in the hallway speaking to his assistant. I passed by making idle chit chat with the nurses and doctors. They all marveled at my thick black locks and gave me lots of loving hugs. They had all experienced my journey and were elated to see me healthy. Dr. Heyer must have noticed that I was acting different. He said, "Do you need to talk to me?" as he walked toward the conference room. I said, "Yes, but I need you to feel me up." He said, "Oh – then we'll need an exam room." (Is everyone just so used to my inappropriate comments that they just ignore them now?)
Dr. Heyer pulled my gown open and moved my implant away from the lump to ensure that it wasn't just the edge of the implant. He said, "This doesn't feel like a tumor, Jennifer. This feels like scar tissue or part of the implant. I can move it around. Talk to Wendy [my plastic surgeon] on Monday and have her look at it." He left the room and the tears ran down my face. Thank God I don't have cancer again.
Today I went to see Dr. Gottlieb (my plastic surgeon) to have my stitches removed from my left breast. I took her hand as I had Dr. Heyer's and laid it on the lump next to my right breast. She looked at me concerned. "I think we should biopsy this. With you, we'd rather be safe then sorry." I was shocked. I told her about my recent PETscan and her office called over to get the results. At the same time Dr. Gottlieb called my surgeon, Dr. Mason to get a second opinion on the biopsy.
"I have your PETscan results and I want to go over them with you. I am not good at reading these things, so I need for you not to freak out when I tell you what it says." I was numb and staring blankly at Dr. Gottlieb. Her lips were moving but all I could hear was the high-pitched horn of a truck running me over. "… newly enlarged right axillary lymph node measuring 13mm with abnormal FDG uptake with SUV of 2.6 is suspicious …" WTF was happening? I have cancer again … but on the other side??? But I did everything right, even giving up my right breast to prevent this. How did this test know that I drove an SUV? How could this happen twice to the same person???
I heard nothing else she told me besides the fact that I have to have a biopsy on Thursday morning in Arlington to test both the mystery lump (which everyone thinks is scar tissue) and now my "newly enlarged right axillary lymph node measuring 13mm." Walking alone to my car at Reston Hospital I called my mother. "I have bad news and I have bad news. The lump needs to be biopsied and I think I have cancer again." Silence. How many times must my family bend before we eventually break?
Dr. Heyer called me to review the report. I was in a meeting with my team at work and scrambled, stumbling over a chair to exit the room quickly. My voice shook on the phone with him while my throat tightened to keep me from bursting into tears. "Did you see the report? What is going on? I did everything right. How could I have cancer again? What do I do?" He waited patiently for me to get out everything that had built up for the last two hours.
He explained that he hadn't received the actual images yet (just the written report) so he doesn't exactly know what we are dealing with. He said that this lymph node had an SUV of 2.6 and my previous tumors had an SUV of 17 and 18, so this one is not 100 percent identifiable as cancer. He said it is very possible that the lymph node is simply inflamed from the surgeries I have had and that he isn't convinced that it is cancer. I told him how confused I was due to the fact that I never had cancer on my right side. He said that cancer is always a possibility for me but that he finds it highly unlikely. Even so, it needs to be tested so that we know for certain.
Thursday I will have my biopsy …
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