Tuesday, May 13, 2008

5/13/2008: Weaker and Weaker

The rainy weather has finally subsided and my soul feels renewed. So many wonderful and positive things are happening in the lives of those I care about that I cannot help but be completely ecstatic. I had a conversation with my Mom last night about all the wonderful things happening with my friends and how it gave me strength to see them so happy. I have friends who are finding success in job searches, are growing more pregnant by the minute, planning their weddings, finishing school and more. It finally feels as though the tides are turning and 2008 is not such a loss in the long run. And just think, only 17 days remain until my chemotherapy treatments are over and my life can resume as normal. How can you not be psyched when you are that close to reaching such a HUGE milestone?

Round five of chemotherapy was a trying one. I feel my body grow weaker and weaker each round. This time, in between treatments, I was unable to even enjoy my basic yoga DVDs from the comfort of my home. Stupid cancer. My symptoms are actually not as severe as last round, however I am not making light of how horrible they still remain. I slept a lot after treatment this round and my parents simply woke me up to eat or take my medications. I am back at work today, but with a body that won't budge, a mind that won't focus and feet that are too swollen for anything other than my beloved J.Crew flip-flops. The noises and smells in my office are bearable with an occasional Xanax or nausea medication. Every sense is heightened and my frustration with my physical state has led me to choke up several times throughout the afternoon already. But … I can do this. I am the strongest person I know and if I have done this five times already, what's one more, right? Bring it! It just gets me one more step closer to having surgery where they can cut out any remaining disease and sickness.

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I have my three-month heart scan in order to gauge how much damage the Herceptin and chemotherapy drugs have done to my heart. I was told none of the damage would be permanent, but that the doctors would need to continue monitoring my heart in order to make sure they are protecting it during the process. It is kind of scary when you stop long enough to really think about it. I have my heart scan first thing tomorrow morning, so be sending me your positive thoughts please for a healthy heart. I would not want to get to this point then have to delay treatment or surgery from happening. Next Monday, May 19 is my first pre-surgery appointment with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Wendy Gottlieb. I have already started looking at pictures of celebrities and getting opinions from friends and family about my "new" body. I cannot wait to see what Dr. Gottlieb will suggest for me.

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