Friday, May 16, 2008

5/16/2008: Wearing Sick Well

"… well, you wear sick well," said Mike. The tears rolled down my face and my whole body shook as I listened to my pulse pounding in my ears. "I feel like I am crashing … I haven't felt this badly before," I managed to say choking back my tears. Mike handed me a tissue and I looked away as he drew my blood. Oh God, what is wrong with my body? Please just let me get through one more treatment.

Yesterday I woke up gagging in my sleep, nauseous and dizzy. I spent my morning in a cold sweat lying on my bathroom floor. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears as the sweat beaded on my nose and cheeks. Despite being perplexed by my body's reaction, I managed to pull myself together and make it into work. It didn't take long and the smells and sounds started making me incredibly sick and I could barely read the words on my computer screen. After lunch (which I didn't eat) I drove myself to my oncologist's office at Reston Hospital. I didn't have an appointment, but due to the way I was acting (shaking, sweating, dizzy) they took me back immediately. It didn't take long and I started crying out of fear and frustration.

My blood pressure was very high (which is odd for me), but my temperature, blood work and exam were all excellent. My blood work actually showed the anemia improved, although Melanie (my nurse) thinks that could be due to the fact that I was so dry (dehydrated). I told Melanie about all of my aliments. She said the fatigue/weak body is due to the fact that chemotherapy is cumulative and that my body is growing weaker and weaker each round. The nausea she gave me new medication for which I am hoping will help significantly. The cold sweats I keep getting are due to chemotherapy throwing me into a pre-menopausal state. (Now I understand what Mom went through.) As for the stomach pain/discomfort, the doctors still are not sure. They did a urine test thinking I may have a UTI and that should come back today. Apparently, Taxotere causes the organs to swell, especially the bladder. Melanie hugged me and told me she knew how hard I was fighting and how tough all of this is. It didn't take long and the tears were falling down my face again. She told me to hang in there and that it was almost over … just 14 more days until my last treatment.

I was then taken back to one of the treatment rooms and given a bag of fluid for my dehydration and nausea medication through the IV. Unfortunately, I had not used my numbing cream on my port, so when the nurse accessed it … let's just say it was very tough. I told her how tired I was of getting pricked all the time … and started crying again. She handed me a tissue and gently touched my arm telling me that I was so strong and brave and was almost at that finish line. Why was I so emotional today? Ugggh! I called my Mom crying on the phone and within minutes she was by my side. I felt so much better having her there with me. We ate crackers, chatted and watched HGTV (my guilty pleasure). Sheesh … what a day!

Today my stomach is even worse. I will spare you the details, but I have spent almost my entire morning from 4 AM on in the bathroom. I am incredibly dehydrated. I have an appointment with Dr. Heyer (my oncologist) at 11 AM, then my Herceptin treatment, so hopefully they will be able to examine me again and figure out why my body is so sick. I will be sure to update you all once I know more.

I will leave you with some good news … my heart scan was "excellent" according to my nurse Melanie. She said they saw "some decrease" but not even enough to really mention. The doctors and nurses continue to comment on how well I am doing and how strong my body is. My heart is strong and handling these horrible drugs like a champion. I have only 14 more days of this terrible treatment, my friends. We are almost there.

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