Swirling Hummingbirds

I lay on the table facing up and Carlos Durana, Ph.D., M.Ac., Dipl moved around the table feeling my pulse throughout my body. He felt my wrist, my ankles and my neck. He then felt the base of my skull, my jaw and my forehead. All the muscles were tight from worry, stress and anxiety. No surprise there – my jaw has started clicking recently because the anxiety has been so severe, which causes me to clinch my teeth.

He then moved his hands over my body, without touching me, in order to “see” my body. I kept one eye open to see what he was doing and realized that his eyes were closed. You know the feeling when you’re lying on the beach with your eyes closed and a cloud is blocking the sun? The breeze is cool on your skin. But then the cloud passes and you get the full heat of the sun. That’s what it felt like all the way through my body, wherever Dr. Durana’s hands hovered over me.

His hands stopped over my stomach, right under my sternum.
Dr. Durana: “When you have a panic attack does it make you feel like you could double over in pain?”
Me: “Yes, I usually curl up in the fetal position.”
Dr. Durana: “I sense a hunger, not a physical hunger, but an emotional one.”
His hands moved to my abdomen.
Dr. Durana: “Your abdomen is shaky. Do you have spasms?”
Me: “No one knows this except for Matt, but my stomach spasms or convulses violently when I have a panic attack.”
Dr. Durana: “Do you still have your ovary?”
Me: “Oh, I forgot to mention that I had an ovarian cyst removed in 1996. I still have my ovary though.”
Dr. Durana: “Do you want children?”
Me: “Yes, regardless of whether or not my body allows me to.”
Dr. Durana: “Good.”
Me: “I have had dreams about a little girl.”

He made notes in his notebook and then he moved to the pins. He started with my left leg. I had a pin in my shin, ankle and foot. I felt “energy” move up my left leg. When he put the pin in my right ankle I just about jumped off the table.

Dr. Durana: “What do you see? What do you feel?”
Me: “A hummingbird. Hummingbirds are swirling around my limbs and my whole body.”
Dr. Durana: “What does the hummingbird mean to you?”
Me: “It’s my grandmother. She always had a feeder outside her window where she would watch them.”
Dr. Durana: “What is your relationship like with her?”
Me: “We were very close. Actually, we were alike in many ways. In her later years she was ill with horrible bipolar symptoms, but growing up she was an incredible woman. She was loving, supportive and so proud of her children and grandchildren. I loved her dearly – I still do.”

The pins were placed up and down my arms and I was shocked I actually could feel them in my left arm despite having lost most of my feeling due to having lymph nodes removed. He placed a pin between my eyes which he said would pinch since it is a denser area. I felt it and then my whole body went limp. He said, “This will relax all your nerves.” I felt like I had just taken a shot of liquor … my whole body got warm and relaxed. I said out loud, “Oh boy.”

He left the pins in and moved back to my stomach to work on my breathing. I breathed in expanding my belly like a balloon and then slowly let the air out. He used his fingers and pressed different places on my stomach.

Dr. Durana: “Where are you at?”
Me: “The hummingbirds are swirling. I can feel their feathers touching my skin. The dream is coming back.”  
Dr. Durana: “What dream?”
Me: “I had a dream last night and it’s haunting me.”
Dr. Durana: “Tell me.”

I took Dr. Durana through my dream, which you can read here.

Dr. Durana: “You can’t fix Jenn. You feel a sense of helplessness. You are not responsible. You are doing all you can do, but you can’t control this. Where are you?”
Me: “I feel so sad.”
Dr. Durana: “Stay there and feel the emotion.”

The tears began running down my face.

Dr. Durana: “Good. Let it out. You’re safe. I won’t let you drown or be swallowed by the emotion.”

I focused on my sadness and continued my deep breathing. The film strip in my mind continued moving.

Dr. Durana: “You have shifted. Where are you now?”
Me: “I’m angry.”
Dr. Durana: “Tell me more.”
Me: “Abandonment. Anger.”
Dr. Durana: “Stay there, feel the emotion. You can speak out loud if you need to. You need closure.”

The tears continued to flow without any noise, just my steady breathing filled the air.

Me: “Nope, I’m gone.”
Dr. Durana: “Where did you go to?”
Me: “I heard someone yell STOP.”
Dr. Durana: “I didn’t yell stop.”
Me: “I’m done. I’m picking up seashells with my grandma on the beach.”

Once the two hour appointment ended, I asked what the emotional hunger was that he sensed in my stomach. He said it was too soon to tell but said it would surface over time. He said it may be that I am finally ready to heal.