A Time to Heal

October 18, 2011 I started physical therapy for a strained Achilles tendon. I remember the moment the exact moment I hurt myself. I was participating in the Ribbon Run 5k for breast cancer (April 9, 2011) with my friend Colleen and I remember my Achilles making a pop sensation and then becoming very tight. I stretched it using the curb and then finished the race. The discomfort persisted on and off for several months, but I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, so I ignored it.

This discomfort/tightness started at the arch of my foot where a knot had formed, ran along the outside of my Achilles tendon and up the outside of my calf. I didn’t really mention it to anyone because in the scope of everything else in my life this seemed inconsequential.

It wasn’t until my six month follow-up with my oncologist Dr. Heyer that it became a bigger concern. At the end of my appointment, Dr. Heyer asked if there were any other changes with my body.

Me: “No … well, I don’t know if this is relevant …”
Dr. Heyer interrupted, “Jennifer, it’s all relevant.”
Me: “Well, I’ve been in physical therapy for my Achilles tendon.”
Dr. Heyer: “Tell me everything.”

I explained how I injured my tendon and what types of therapy I was getting for my right leg. He then explained that Tamoxifen (the post-cancer therapy I am on for five years) has some nasty side effects, including deterioration of tendons and blood clots. Who knew!?!? He advised me NEVER to use a brace because that would create the perfect place for a blot clot. I explained that my physical therapist didn’t agree with braces because they limit the range of motion and don’t help strengthen the muscles around the tendon. He told me to continue with physical therapy and make this a high priority for the wellness of my body.

(Men, feel free to stop reading here, because I’m going to talk about “lady troubles” next.)

October was the last month I had “lady troubles.” This sent me into a complete panic since I was scared I might be perimenopausal again (from the chemo dosage I incurred back in 2008). I felt my hopes of every being able to get pregnant slip out from under me. I felt nauseous and my anxiety shot through the roof. I felt like I was spiraling chemically in my body. I kept telling Matt, “I just don’t feel right. I don’t know how else to describe it.” Women who have already been through menopause, I want you to know I feel your pain. This blows! The night sweats I have been having since 2008 became more intense and I would find myself wide awake between 1-3am in a full blown panic attack.

I called my nurse Brenda at Dr. Heyer’s office to ask her opinion about why my “lady troubles” had stopped abruptly.

Me: “What’s wrong with me?”
Brenda: “Nothing is wrong with you. Take a deep breath. This is a common side effect of Tamoxifen. Your [“lady troubles”] might come and go over the next two years of your therapy.”
Me: “But why would my [“lady troubles”] just stop at year three on this medicine? Is that normal?”
Brenda: “It is very normal since the therapy builds in your body and suppresses the estrogen being created since your cancer was estrogen positive. We have to keep it suppressed.”
Me: “What about my heightened anxiety?”
Brenda: “I would advise you make an appointment with your family medicine doctor to discuss changes in your anxiety.”
Me: “Ok.”
Brenda: “Jennifer? Two more years, kiddo. I know the side effects suck, but you only have two more years on the Tamoxifen and you have to push through it.”
Me: “I know. I just don’t feel right.”

The holidays came and went. Jasper got sick, then healthy, then sick, then healthy. Matt lost his Uncle Bob unexpectedly on Christmas Day. And my anxiety just kept building, while I kept using Xanax to maintain a normal balance in my everyday life.

It wasn’t until one of my best friends, Jennifer Campbell, was diagnosed with stage 4 triple negative breast cancer that my anxiety spiraled and reached a breaking point. It was back to the severity that I felt in 2005 and again in 2008. Traumas in my life create spikes in my anxiety. The nausea became severe and the weight loss began again. The lowest weight my anxiety has driven me to was 87 pounds back in 2005. I could feel myself starting to isolate from Matt and wanting to be left alone.

Matt: “Jennifer, I really think you need to go talk to someone. I love you with all my heart, but you know I’m a horrible listener. I don’t know that I can help you with this. You know I love Jenn, and you and I will do everything in our power to help her, but you can’t stop living your life. You have to keep eating. You have to spend time with your friends. I’m really worried about you.”
Me: “I love you. Thank you for being honest with me. I know I get completely consumed by these traumas in my life. It has taken me four years, but I think I am finally ready to talk to someone. I know that I have seeded emotions and even blacked out experiences from my cancer treatment that I need to work through.”
Matt: “I love you and I am here and support you in whatever you want to do. I am scared for you and I want you to be OK.”
Jenn: “I love you, too. I need you to reign me back in when I start to spiral because I don’t always know that I am. I promise I will talk to someone.”

Today I went to see my doctor Toni Nelson. She is one of the best women I know. I started my story from October and shared with her everything that had transpired that led me to her office. She hugged me and validated that my experiences over the past couple of years have been incredibly taxing. She said, “You just never get a break do you?”

(Toni diagnosed my anxiety back in 2005 when I ended up in her office 87 pounds and with horrible digestive issues—all stemming from stress, anxiety and trauma in my life.)

She told me that she loves Matt and is so happy that I have someone in my life to remind me that I need to continue living my life and that I deserve to be happy.

Toni: “Jennifer, I think it’s good that you are going to talk to someone and plan to try acupuncture. I think you are suffering some from Posttraumatic stress which is common after cancer, especially as you are reliving it with one of your best friends. Just because you are going to talk to someone doesn’t mean that you failed at resolving this on your own. I know how you think. You’re not a failure. It’s OK to need help sometimes and say that you don’t have the resources to handle this.”

I lowered my head and began crying. She knew me all to well and the internal struggle of not wanting help or to admit that I can’t fix this.

Me: “I’m just so tired. I try to be strong for everyone else and at the end of the day there is no fuel left for me—I’m drained. I feel like there’s something wrong with me.”
Toni: “Baby Doll, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve had some serious traumas in your life and all we’ve given you to deal with it is 75mg of Effexor XR and .25mg of Xanax. With that low a dosage all you are getting is the serotonin value with no norepinephrine. Your resources are spent on the lowest dosage of medication possible. How you’ve coped to this point on barely any medicine is beyond me. We’ll bump up the dosage to give you some help and then reevaluate when you are done with the Tamoxifen and life calms down.”
Me: “Thank you so much for being so kind to me.”
Toni: “You can’t be everyone’s rock and white dove 100% of the time, Jennifer, and no one expects that of you. There is no shame in saying I don’t have it all figured out and I need some help. We’ll get you back to feeling like yourself.”

For some reason today, of all days, I remembered to bring with me a copy of 'The Shack' that the author William P. Young had sent me in the mail before the book actually came out. Toni and I had discussed the book a couple of years back when her mother had passed away and she was grieving. Young sent me a copy of the book while I was going through treatment and written me a personal message inside. I reread the quote he had written to Toni and my voice caught in my throat. Toni finished reading it for me:

"There is a wind that knocks you sideways, a rain that only leaves you cold ... but there is another storm of unrelenting grace in whose embrace you are now surely held."

OK, how on Earth did this man know that I love the rain and storms!? Almost every piece of artwork or photography I own has rain or people holding umbrellas. It is when I am most creative and I feel the most centered. Who would have guessed that a fire sign (Sagittarius) would be drawn to water. Might explain why I fell in love with Matt the Scorpio (water sign). What a perfect quote so well suited for my life.

I have been seeing a masseuse named Mimi monthly to help with the increased numbness in my fingers and toes. She has also been doing aromatherapy for anxiety which is amazing. I start therapy in a week and am planning on trying acupuncture. I guess there really is beauty in the breakdown.

Thank you to my family and friends for reaching out to me over the last few months, concerned about my health and wellness. Some of you in tears upset that I had lost myself. Your concern and kindness about my well being is touching beyond words. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing individuals. I promise to take really good care of myself and keep you updated on my journey to healing myself.