Jennifer: I am trying to find a place to donate my wigs.
It is a really hard thing for me to part with them.
I want them to go to a cancer patient.
Matt: That’s good.
Why don’t we take a trip to a hospital and do it in person or something?
Would that mean more?
Or be more meaningful?
Jennifer: Um, well, there was a "wig bin" at my oncology office.
I may contact them and see if they know of any patients that are having financial issues or who are having a difficult time finding a wig.
Matt: Yea
That works too.
Jennifer: I don't know.
I am just weird about it.
I feel like if I get rid of them the cancer will come back.
Matt: No baby.
That’s not true.
Jennifer: I know in my head that it's not true, but I can’t help but feel this horrible anxiety about giving them away.
They were like a safety blanket for so long.
It was like they hid the sickness and I could be normal.
And if I get rid of them my hair will fall out again and I won’t have my disguise.
Matt: Yea.
Everything is going to be ok baby :)
… and to this day I make the effort to research homes for my beautiful wigs, but I still find a reason not to part with them. They continue to keep me safe.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Monday, February 14, 2011
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
3/11/2008: Building Anger
I have only had two breakdowns since I was diagnosed with cancer. The first was the weekend I found out the news while staying at my parent’s house and the other was last night …
If you know me, you know that I am constantly on the go and hate to be slowed down. It’s the Sagittarius in me, mixed with my parents go-getter genes, I think. Just the sheer act of brushing my teeth last night left me lying on the floor panting and sweating. (I am going to be the most unbearable older person. I am warning you now!) I became extremely angry at my body. It is hard when you are in the throws of a medicated trance to see that this situation is only temporary because it seems all too consuming at the time. I cursed and cried, and then my head started pounding … a panic attack set in. Ugh. I surprisingly hadn’t had one of those for awhile now. Thanks to some Xanax and talking through my fears with My Rock (Mommy), I was able to fall asleep without any trouble. But without fail, I always awake at 4:00 AM. I swear I am going to hate that number when all this treatment is said and done. I have not slept one night since they removed my tumor without waking up to see 4:00 AM staring me in the face. What is with that? There has to be some humor there somewhere … I just know it!
My body is still moving in slow motion, although I was able to make it into work today, which always makes me feel better. My nerves in my fingers come and go, which makes typing more difficult, but I appreciate the challenge. My senses are EXTREMELY temperamental. I have never had a tooth ache before, but I can only imagine that this is what it would feel like, because it is constant and extremely annoying. Noises bother me, smells stress me out, and I have this constant tightness/soreness in my jaw and mouth. My ears constantly ring and all I want to do is scream for everyone to shut up the days following chemotherapy. When people start moving too fast around me I started to feel really sick and anxious. I think if these are the only things that I have to complain about then I am in pretty good shape.
Last night I made the decision for the first time in my life to ask for an extension on my school assignment. There is nothing that I hate more than having to do that, but because this is only a temporary situation, I am trying to follow my oncologist’s orders and take care of myself. Once my body begins cooperating again in the next few days (hopefully), I will jump right back in and catch up. I am confident I will make it work, even if I cannot meet my own deadlines. I need to be a little less hard on myself, too.
If you have not seen my friend, and sorority sister, Angie Goff’s blog about ME on WUSA 9, please check it out ... http://www.wusa9.com/news/columnist/blogs/angiegoff.html. It brought me to tears!
I hope you all have a wonderful week! I love you dearly.
If you know me, you know that I am constantly on the go and hate to be slowed down. It’s the Sagittarius in me, mixed with my parents go-getter genes, I think. Just the sheer act of brushing my teeth last night left me lying on the floor panting and sweating. (I am going to be the most unbearable older person. I am warning you now!) I became extremely angry at my body. It is hard when you are in the throws of a medicated trance to see that this situation is only temporary because it seems all too consuming at the time. I cursed and cried, and then my head started pounding … a panic attack set in. Ugh. I surprisingly hadn’t had one of those for awhile now. Thanks to some Xanax and talking through my fears with My Rock (Mommy), I was able to fall asleep without any trouble. But without fail, I always awake at 4:00 AM. I swear I am going to hate that number when all this treatment is said and done. I have not slept one night since they removed my tumor without waking up to see 4:00 AM staring me in the face. What is with that? There has to be some humor there somewhere … I just know it!
My body is still moving in slow motion, although I was able to make it into work today, which always makes me feel better. My nerves in my fingers come and go, which makes typing more difficult, but I appreciate the challenge. My senses are EXTREMELY temperamental. I have never had a tooth ache before, but I can only imagine that this is what it would feel like, because it is constant and extremely annoying. Noises bother me, smells stress me out, and I have this constant tightness/soreness in my jaw and mouth. My ears constantly ring and all I want to do is scream for everyone to shut up the days following chemotherapy. When people start moving too fast around me I started to feel really sick and anxious. I think if these are the only things that I have to complain about then I am in pretty good shape.
Last night I made the decision for the first time in my life to ask for an extension on my school assignment. There is nothing that I hate more than having to do that, but because this is only a temporary situation, I am trying to follow my oncologist’s orders and take care of myself. Once my body begins cooperating again in the next few days (hopefully), I will jump right back in and catch up. I am confident I will make it work, even if I cannot meet my own deadlines. I need to be a little less hard on myself, too.
If you have not seen my friend, and sorority sister, Angie Goff’s blog about ME on WUSA 9, please check it out ... http://www.wusa9.com/news/columnist/blogs/angiegoff.html. It brought me to tears!
I hope you all have a wonderful week! I love you dearly.
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