Tuesday, March 11, 2008

3/11/2008: Building Anger

I have only had two breakdowns since I was diagnosed with cancer. The first was the weekend I found out the news while staying at my parent’s house and the other was last night …

If you know me, you know that I am constantly on the go and hate to be slowed down. It’s the Sagittarius in me, mixed with my parents go-getter genes, I think. Just the sheer act of brushing my teeth last night left me lying on the floor panting and sweating. (I am going to be the most unbearable older person. I am warning you now!) I became extremely angry at my body. It is hard when you are in the throws of a medicated trance to see that this situation is only temporary because it seems all too consuming at the time. I cursed and cried, and then my head started pounding … a panic attack set in. Ugh. I surprisingly hadn’t had one of those for awhile now. Thanks to some Xanax and talking through my fears with My Rock (Mommy), I was able to fall asleep without any trouble. But without fail, I always awake at 4:00 AM. I swear I am going to hate that number when all this treatment is said and done. I have not slept one night since they removed my tumor without waking up to see 4:00 AM staring me in the face. What is with that? There has to be some humor there somewhere … I just know it!

My body is still moving in slow motion, although I was able to make it into work today, which always makes me feel better. My nerves in my fingers come and go, which makes typing more difficult, but I appreciate the challenge. My senses are EXTREMELY temperamental. I have never had a tooth ache before, but I can only imagine that this is what it would feel like, because it is constant and extremely annoying. Noises bother me, smells stress me out, and I have this constant tightness/soreness in my jaw and mouth. My ears constantly ring and all I want to do is scream for everyone to shut up the days following chemotherapy. When people start moving too fast around me I started to feel really sick and anxious. I think if these are the only things that I have to complain about then I am in pretty good shape.

Last night I made the decision for the first time in my life to ask for an extension on my school assignment. There is nothing that I hate more than having to do that, but because this is only a temporary situation, I am trying to follow my oncologist’s orders and take care of myself. Once my body begins cooperating again in the next few days (hopefully), I will jump right back in and catch up. I am confident I will make it work, even if I cannot meet my own deadlines. I need to be a little less hard on myself, too.

If you have not seen my friend, and sorority sister, Angie Goff’s blog about ME on WUSA 9, please check it out ... http://www.wusa9.com/news/columnist/blogs/angiegoff.html. It brought me to tears!

I hope you all have a wonderful week! I love you dearly.

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