I'm not feeling very well today. I am not sure what is going on. Maybe my body is gearing up for my period again which I have every 14 days. Good times! I suppose we are all entitled to days like this, but today is especially poopie. Maybe my mood will improve as the day progresses. Right now I just want to go home, crawl under my covers and escape from the world.
I have started working out once or twice a day now which has proved to be a great stress and anxiety reliever. I am doing yoga, pilates and kick boxing. According to my yoga instructor my mantra is enchanting beauty. I love that! I am finding that my left arm, left pectoral and the scapula muscle on my back are very weak. This is due to the hockey puck-sized tumor my surgeon removed back in January. I am having a hard time strengthening those muscles again ... it is very painful. Most people who have lymph nodes removed go through physical therapy. I, however, am trying to do this on my own. If they remove more lymph nodes during my mastectomy (which they most likely will), I will probably have to have physical therapy to regain strength in my arms. I think I may have overworked the scapula muscle on my back last night in yoga and that is creating a difficult day for me today. At least I will have all weekend to rest and recover since I will be in my chemo trance at my parents house. I still have no feeling on the upper back of my arm. The nerves are no longer working there and I don't believe at this point that the feeling will come back. But the good news is this is where I can request to have my flu shot. Haha!
I have round three of chemotherapy on Friday (so be sending me your warm thoughts and prayers, please) and I am already starting to get anxious about it. My Dad, brother, Kere and Bronwyn will be there supporting me during treatment. My nurse Jessie said that you apparently remember the last time you were there and the outcome of the poison they put in your body. Your body then starts to create anxiety based on those memories and feelings. I am just so sick of going through all of this. It is the most horrible thing I have ever had to endure and I am just so tired ... mentally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually. I just need a break from my life. After this treatment I think my oncologist, Dr. Heyer, will rerun my MRI and PETscan to see where we are at. I am actually excited about that. I have been visualizing my treatments working and killing all those stupid cancer cells, but I would certainly like some reassurance from the tests that all of this is working. I just want this cancer gone and for all of this to be over. I need this to end ...
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