Sunday, March 2, 2008

3/2/2008: Sleepless Nights

Today is NOT a good day. I slept maybe a total of two hours last night. I had three panic attacks in my sleep and am completely exhausted. I woke up several times in the middle of the night with tears rolling down my face and dripping with sweat. I am scared to fall back asleep. Plus I am finding it hard to regulate my body temperature now that I am balding. I could really use some night caps that I can sleep in. I spent the night with my covers over my head like a little nun. Probably cute/funny, but not so comfortable.

My sisters (in cancer) have told me that they also have anxiety the week prior to their chemotherapy treatments. It's good to know that I am reacting in a "normal" way. I just know how bad the last one was and am petrified to do it again ... not that I have a choice. Oh God, I pray this one is better than the last. I don't know how much more I can take. I am trying so hard to stay positive and make the best of this situation, but it's days like this that make it hard. I could use a vacation right about now.

My beautiful buzz cut (thanks to Kere) is now a polka dotted mess. I am balding ... and it's happening quicker than I had originally anticipated. My brother and I hung out last night and he touched my head and it sprinkled down my shoulder like a fragile dandelion. I could see in his face that he felt horrible, but what can you do? You can't baby it ... it's inevitable. I then put my head over the sink and ran my fingers over my scalp to show him how bad it was. I think I made a few jokes about it (making him feel better about my molting), threw on my wig and we headed out for the night. By tomorrow (Monday) I believe it will all be gone. My scalp aches and is not happy with what is happening. (Join the club! Haha.) Every time I touch my head it hurts. Like it's not bad enough that I am losing my hair, but it has to hurt too!? Give me a break, please! I am also tiring of vacuuming my condo. I like things clean and organized and you can't do that when you're molting! LOL. Can you tell I am cranky today?

Sorry this is not a happier blog entry, but it's the reality of the situation. It sucks royally and I am not happy at all. The good news is that I have spent more time enjoying life this past month then I have in a long time. Just this week I saw Michael, Mark, Alicia, Kori, Marisa, Andrew, Kere and others. Having my friends and family surrounding me is the only thing I need to get through this. I love you all so much. Thank you for just being you and loving me unconditionally. It truly means everything to me. My positivity (not evident in this blog entry) comes from your love, prayers and support. Thank you!

On a happier note, I saw one of my friends this weekend who had a lot of information that I would love to share with you. (I hope I don't get in trouble with my friend for sharing! I can try and use the cancer card in the event of that happening! It works about 90% of the time. Haha.) My friend works for the National Cancer Institute and is probably the most intelligent person I have ever met in my entire life. Knowing my situation, my friend believes that I am Stage 2A. Knowing this, I have probably had cancer for 2 to 5 years in my body.

Crazy to think about! My friend also told me how lucky I am to be HER-2 proteinpositive.Herceptin (the antibody for the HER2-protein) is the only targeted treatment they have right now for cancer patients, that has been approved for use, that is perfectly matched to eradicate the specific protein in the body, unlike chemotherapy that is a one size fits all solution targeting all cells that rapidly divide and reproduce. Stupid cancer. Stupid cells. We spoke for awhile and I realize how truly blessed I am that my cancer was found when it was and has not spread. All of the things that my oncologist and surgeon have suggested, I shared with my friend and it was agreed that I am getting amazing care with the best options for my body. The reassurance feels good.

I hope you all are having a better weekend than I am. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I embark on round two of chemo this week. *Sigh*

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