Today I met with my oncologist (Dr. David Heyer) to review my PETscan and go over the recommended strategy post-chemotherapy. The PETscan showed that the cancer is GONE except for one tiny lymph node under my left armpit. My oncologist was extremely pleased with the way my body and the cancer responded to the aggressive chemotherapy regimen. He explained that during the operation my surgeon (Dr. Kenneth Mason) would remove all of the breast tissue along with the lymph nodes under my left armpit. He said, "We're going to get it all. You're going to be fine."
This is just the reassurance I needed to hear from my medical team as I am still struggling mentally and emotionally with the thought of losing my breasts. I had the same problem prior to chemotherapy, but I think in time I will make peace with the decision I have made. This is not the simplest path, but it is the one I have chosen and will need to embrace it over the next week. I seek clarity and peace in the coming days. Perhaps my trip to the beach next weekend with my friends will give me just that. Right now, my nightmares and 3 AM panic attacks consume me. Somewhere and somehow, I must strike a balance.
My oncologist said I will begin radiation a month following surgery. Radiation is Monday through Friday and lasts six weeks. This is shorter than I originally thought, so I was pleased to hear the news. Once that is over, I will most likely have to go on a hormone regimen, which does not make me happy. Dr. Heyer said he didn't want to review those options just yet. I need to continue celebrating little victories and taking baby steps. These times that I feel darkness and a sense of defeat, I listen to the CD my friend Sarah made me. There is a song on there called 'Little Victories' by Matthew Nathanson. It helps me gather my strength.
Although I know the purpose of all of this is to get healthy, I am concerned about my future in wanting to one day have a family. Chemotherapy threw me into early menopause and Dr. Heyer told me this morning that some women don't bounce back and remain there permanently. With my young age and the chemotherapy drugs they used, I run a better chance of resuming a normal "cycle." I find it ironic that I am now praying (begging and pleading) for my period to return. Who would have thought a year ago that I would have been praying for my period? Life is such a quirky thing!
So now I ask for your help in praying for a successful surgery, NO lymphedema (1 in 20 women develop this from having a mastectomy) and for my period to return. I know, I am being quite demanding these days, but I sure would appreciate all the help I can get. I need you in order to make it through this second phase of my journey.
This week, I will try and focus on my great PETscan results, which according to my friend Andrew "is quite a BIG 'little victory.'"
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