Friday, June 6, 2008

6/6/2008: The Dance

I have been going back and forth debating about whether or not I should write about this, but since I have been brutally honest with you to this point, I do not see why I would stop now. Something pretty astonishing has occurred in my life and I still do not know what to make of it all.

I have been swept into this dance where I am being spun in a light twirl one minute then swooped heavily grazing the floor the next. It is in this graceful, yet intense embraced that I conjure the nerve to analyze my raw emotion and find my rhythmic balance. Have I completely lost my footing? Not in the slightest. I feel as though I have already seen the steps played out in my head and I am now trying to envelope the routine to a science.

I have been reading a book called 'Pretty Is What Changes' and although my personal life and battle with cancer does not mirror Jessica's perfectly, I am able to notice some psychological similarities between her actions and mine. She and I are very similar in our drive, career, the way we wish to be perceived, even down to the relationships we find ourselves in. It is almost eerie. In reading her story, I began thinking about my own. I started analyzing the growth work in my life and how I have changed over the last five months. Is it possible to experience a lifetime of growth in five months? I don't know, but I know I have changed significantly. I have spent so much time really embracing the raw emotions I have felt instead of trying to ignore them, or just coast through this experience. I have psycho-analyzed the way I feel and how I react to certain things in order to determine what it is I am seeking internally. Do I lash out because I am angry about my cancer? Do I engage in negative conversations because I seek the normalcy I knew from before? Would I really want to go back to being the person I was previously? I'm not sure I have fully fleshed out all of these answers, but I do understand how I have changed psychologically. I am acknowledging the madness that lies there and am putting each graceful motion into its appropriate place in my dance.

I am sure I sound like I have completely lost my mind at this point, but I truly believe that I am the very best version of myself possible right now. I was always told by my mother that I would do so very much growth work in my mid-to-late twenties and little did I know that with this whirlwind dance I would do just that and so much more.

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