I haven't written in a couple of days because I have been an emotional wreck … to say the least. It's much safer to write a happy blog then to open myself up and become vulnerable with airing my difficult and insecure days. But I promised you from the beginning that I would be honest with you and I intend to stick to my word. So, I welcome you all to my pity party. (No need for presents at this occasion.)
I was diagnosed with cancer back in January and for six months I have been fighting like hell for my life … FOR MY LIFE. (It still doesn't resonate completely with me.) Cancer is the second leading cause of death in the United States and I kicked its butt in six months. Part of me is exhausted and the other part is still trying to grasp the fact that I had cancer. Several years ago I went through a horrible personal ordeal. For those of you who know me, you remember this well. Driving to my parent's house that night, I remember being on the phone with my mother and screaming through my tears, "Things like this don't happen to someone like me." I know that probably sounds like the most diva comment anyone can possibly make. You must understand, though, that I take great pride in who I am, my accomplishments and the way I live my life. However, hardships and diseases do not discriminate. I know now, that I was being prepared to take on the hardest fight of my life … cancer.
For the past two days I have been crying hysterically, venting to my family, avoiding friends and visitors, refusing to leave the house … and just all around being a real joy. (For the record, I have called myself a brat several times, and my parents told me that I deserve to have bad days, too. Otherwise, I wouldn't be normal, especially with what I have been through.) I have said several times to my Mom (while venting) to "add" certain things to my "list" of complaints. Finally, today she told me that she believed I should truly make a written list of the things that I claim to hate. So, here it is … (Prepare yourself!)
List of Things I Hate
Cancer (Did you expect anything else? The week I had my mastectomy two women who are friends of friends were diagnosed with breast cancer. They are both under the age of 35. Cancer will always top my "hate" list for the remainder of my life.)
Bad Hair Days (This includes eyelashes and eyebrows, too, since those have thinned considerably. I hate that my hair is not growing faster. I also hate the fact that ADULTS stare at me in public. Children, however, don't seem to care. Just another reason why I adore children.)
Dreaded Drains (I started out with five and am now down to two that are being extremely stubborn. They stick out from under my armpits and are extremely uncomfortable. I am unable to sleep on my side because of them and my muscle aches from sleeping on my back for two weeks. Not to mention, the bulbs at the ends of the drains hang at my stomach and make me look pregnant. I blame them for my dependence and cannot wait to get them out and reclaim my life. I hate them.)
Losing "The Girls" (My mastectomy was actually much easier than I initially presumed. The physical healing is cake, but the psychological impact is only cut out for the true varsity players. I like to think that I am pretty tough, but this has certainly been a huge challenge and one that will continue to be for some time. I wonder if I will ever be normal again.)
Potential Suitors (I know I am going to regret putting this on the list, but so be it. It's my party. Short term: How do I even engage with a guy with C-A-N-C-E-R written across my forehead? My boobs are currently "under construction," so physically I am not comfortable or confident … um, so how does THAT work? Even if I can keep the C-card off the table, as soon as things escalate to a more "romantic" level, there will come a time where I will need to interject that information about my body. Long term: Having had cancer, I would assume most guys would consider me a "high risk investment." I certainly cannot imagine that my medical history would really be all that appealing. And forget about discussing having a family, because I am currently in menopause and who knows if my fertility will ever return and even so, I wouldn't be able to try until I am 32 and off hormone therapy. Whew! Yeah … I sound incredibly appealing and like a real attractive option for a long term investment. Who am I kidding!?)
The Comparison (Please don't take this the wrong way. I love my friends, family and sisters in survival dearly, but my situation is not like everyone else's who has cancer. I am only 26-years-old. I didn't have a boyfriend or husband by my side supporting me and telling me that I was beautiful and he would be there for me when it was over. I mean, there wasn't someone there who saw my boobs before and after and still loved me, regardless. Nor did I have the opportunity to have children or even freeze eggs because my cancer was too aggressive and they needed to start chemotherapy immediately. So, NO, my situation is very unique and no one knows how horrible it was to go through it missing those key ingredients. It was beyond devastating and continues to be.)
Body Issues (This is going to sound egotistical, but I don't intend for it to be. I have always liked my body and been pleased for the most part with the way I look. However, cancer, and especially chemotherapy, did things to my body and confidence level that even I am too embarrassed to admit. When I started treatment I weighed 99 pounds. Because of the steroids and lack of exercise during chemo I gained almost ten pounds. Again, I know this sounds trivial, but for someone who loved her yoga and palates regimen and took pride in her tone body, this is a difficult reality. My clothes don't fit the way they used to and I hate that. Additionally, chemotherapy did a real number on my skin, and I swear I look years older. I foresee many emergency facials in my near future to get my skin back to glowing and smooth again.)
My Lifestyle (I have been told that I have to "take it easy" now that I have had surgery. Um, do these people know who I am!? I am trying not to scratch my eyes out lying low and recovering for three weeks at my parent's house. I am on my Blackberry every minute of my waking hours starving for normalcy. I have to see a physical therapist in order to regain strength and feeling in my left arm. It will probably take close to six months before I am fully healed internally … not to mention emotionally and psychologically. Lord, give my patience.)
The Timeline (I honestly feel like Humpty Dumpty and it is literally taking FOREVER for the doctors and surgeons to put me back together again. I have never claimed to be a patient woman and this whole ordeal is truly taking much too long. I like to believe that I live every day to the fullest and I typically pack my schedule tight and this cancer does NOT fit in nicely. It is irritating to the point of tears.)
I could honestly continue "the list" and I intend to, but I thought I would at least share some of my current headaches with you all. After all, you have made the decision to join my journey for the good, bad and bald and I made a promise to you to share it all.
Before this party ends and I retreat to lick my wounds, you must know that despite my "hate list" I know how very blessed I am. I know that I have beat cancer and now have a second chance at life. I understand that my hair will grow and I will feel it lightly dancing across my shoulders once again. I will lose weight and complain of achy, over-worked muscles. Happily ever after still exists and if I should be so luckily, so does my prince charming (who will love my new boobs). The pesky tubes will most likely come out this week and my life will jump back into action. I will soon forget the peaceful afternoons on my parent's back porch where I cursed the sky and felt the surge of panic thinking that I had been standing still and missing out on two weeks of living. How could I have wrestled with my list and done personal growth without this valuable time? This list is how I feel in the moment and represents some of the things I think about on a daily basis. The "hate list" unfortunately (or fortunately) is a part of my journey and overall growth. Welcome to my remission … it may not be as physically taxing, but it will test me nonetheless.
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