Wednesday, July 23, 2008

7/23/2008: Drive Home

Driving home my mother and I sat in silence watching the sun pulse through the tree line as the roads were winding closer and closer to my front door. I knew exactly what would happen if I tried to speak. I could already feel the lump swelling in my throat. How do you properly thank someone for taking on your fight along with your pain, fears and insecurities as though they were her own and devoting her life to your caretaking? I don't know that it is truly possible. I had stayed with my parents for twenty days following surgery and they drove me to every doctors appointment, participated in my pity parties, made sure I ate well, cleaned my wounds, encouraged naptime, took care of my condo, dried my tears, told me when I needed to slow down and endlessly cheered me on, even when I could see the pain in their eyes.

Life works in mysterious ways and I continue to be amazed with how mine unfolds. I wanted so desperately to have normalcy and jump back into my life, but there was also a part of me that wanted to curl up in the safety of my parents lap and not have to think, or worry anymore. I want them to wrap their arms around me, tell me it is all going to be okay and protect me from the darkness. Someone very close to me who had cancer mid-life told me that despite being an adult, she still desperately desired being close to her mother during her journey. I don't think we ever grow out of wanting our parents to make it all better.

Despite the conflicted emotions, I did return to my normal life on Sunday. My parents prepped my condo for my return by filling my refrigerator with groceries and cleaning it from top to bottom. Monday I went back to work fulltime and had my first expander fill. I have seen several of my friends already and although I thought I had missed out on so much over the course of two weeks, I really hadn't. My hair is about an inch long on my head and is BLACK! My eyebrows and eyelashes are coming back in also and are itchy. I have lost five pounds and am using the exercises suggested by my plastic surgeon to regain some mobility in my arms, especially on my left side where they removed the lymph nodes. I have now returned to my regularly scheduled program.

I have one more fill next week, and then I will begin radiation. Radiation lasts for six weeks and I will have to go five times a week. I met with my radiologist, Dr. Jefferson Moulds, last week for the first time. He is a brilliant doctor who used to work at Georgetown. He told me how pleased he was with my chemotherapy regimen and how well my surgery went. Since he is a radiologist of oncology he was able to speak about several different aspects of my treatment and I was blown away by his knowledge. Radiation will start early August. I cannot wait to get started and cross one more piece of the journey off my list.

That drive home in the car with my mother, I reflected on the last six months of my life and how far I have come. My girlfriend Shana told me weeks ago that I have been given a second opportunity at life and that didn't really sink in until this weekend. I have the chance to reinvent myself and work towards being happy and hugely successful in all aspects of my life. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so anymore. The fact that I am now in remission completely blows my mind. I don't think I could have done it without my family and friends constantly thinking about me, tirelessly supporting me and praying for my health and strength. I want to thank my family for their endless sacrifice. I realize now that besides me, my caretakers truly take on the most difficult part of this journey. Despite the helplessness and exhaustion we feel, we continue learning, living and loving. It is a growth process that has changed us all forever.

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