"Is this going to hurt?" I asked my plastic surgeon. "Most people don't feel a thing," she responded as she steadied the metal detector over the top of my breast. The metal pendulum steadied … it found the port beneath my skin. She picked up the large needle on the table. She was moving quickly and I was trying to stall her with chit-chat. She said, "Here we go." I looked away, bit my index finger and filled my mind with a lovely beach scene. I exclaimed, "I didn't feel that at all." Dr. Gottlieb smiled and asked, "What does it feel like?" as she slowly filled my expander with saline. I could feel the edges unraveling while filling up and it felt as though someone was pushing against my chest. My breast grew tighter and tighter. It was like watching National Geographic when they speed up a bud turning into a flower. How on Earth do you describe that feeling?
I had horrible anxiety about having my first fill and it was a piece of cake. Life's little annoyances seem to just be a walk in the park these days. It's hard to complain about anything after going through 18 weeks of chemotherapy.
I have one more fill on my left breast before beginning radiation. Yes, they are only filling one side because I am developing too much cleavage. Agggh … so exciting! I have never had "too much cleavage." On Friday my left breast will be filled to 250cc while my right will only be at 150cc. This way, during radiation they will be able to get "a good line" to treat the membrane and lymph nodes in the center of my chest. I don't mind being lopsided for six weeks if it means preventing cancer from returning.
My radiation begins August 11 and ends September 19 and I have it every week day at 8:30 in the morning. I have a couple of pre-radiation appointments over the next two weeks where the nurses will permanently tattoo my skin (the spots will look like freckles) and run "films" to prepare me for radiation. I don't know what all of that entails, but we will learn together.
Once radiation is over, my plastic surgeon can resume filling my right breast with saline (creating amazing cleavage), so both breasts will be at 250cc. But that doesn't mean that's the size I will end up with … that is just the maximum size of the expander my plastic surgeon used. I'll leave the final size a secret for now. The implant surgery won't be done until sometime in November.
Other than making appointments, I have been busy resuming a somewhat normal life. I am back to work fulltime, working out daily (physical therapy exercises, walking and static bike), spending time with friends, resuming work on my thesis and enjoying each day to the fullest. My hate list still exists, however it is quickly dwindling. I do know that the hardest part is over, but I still have seven more months of treatment and surgeries to go. I now move into phase 3 … radiation. I am summoning all my strength, yet again, and mentally preparing myself for this next task at hand. And so my journey continues …
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