Tuesday, April 15, 2008

4/15/2008: Anxiety Returns

My heart is racing out of my chest. I am dizzy, nauseous and have broken out in a cold sweat. Oh God, I think I may not be able to make it to the bathroom before I get sick.

The anxiety of having chemo again this Friday is more than I can bear. Apparently feeling this way is normal according to my sisters in cancer who are going through treatment as well. The nightmares, insomnia, night sweats, lack of appetite and nausea all set in Sunday. I hadn't experienced nausea this bad until now. I am completely drained from the anxiety. I obviously try to keep my worries to a minimum with positive thinking, wine and yoga (ahem, and Milano cookies), but there is no way to ignore how horrible chemo makes you feel. You just don't understand it unless you have experienced it. It is like nothing else in this world and the word horrible doesn't even come close to describing it. I dread it each time it creeps closer and closer, but there is no escaping it. I just continue to suck it up and move through the motions despite the fact that each time they place the thick needle into my port (and I tell my Daddy to please look away) I am choking back the tears. I am embarrassed, annoyed, frustrated and just so ready to take back my life. I am starting to forget what it felt like to not be on medication all the time and to actually have a day where I feel amazing. I just want to be normal again ... and soon. I constantly imagine myself during treatment and testing somewhere else laying on a beach, warm and feeling vibrant once again. I long for that day more than you can imagine.

Despite the negatives, I have to remember how lucky I am that my MRI came back as well as it did. This means they don't have to prolong treatment or switch my regimen. Lord knows I can only handle so much. I knew in my heart that treatment was working, but to have that confirmation was exactly what I needed. I cannot believe that this Friday is round four of chemo. (I will be 2/3 of the way done.) Time has flown by so fast, especially between the last round and this one.

I have finally been able to start exercising daily, which always makes me feel better. The problem is I get back on a schedule right before I am laid out by chemo again. My poor little body just wants some consistency. In due time, right? I know ... I believe it, too. It's time to cradle my head in my hands, take a deep breath, wipe the beads of sweat on my brow and just push through these last three rounds of treatment. If I squint hard enough, I can start to see a glimpse of light at the end of this tunnel. Can you see it too?

No comments:

Post a Comment