Wednesday, April 16, 2008

4/16/2008: The Stairwell

Laying at the bottom of the staircase this morning, sprawled out on my back, I thought about the conversation I had with my Mom earlier this week. I wonder how this journey will change me.

I sat in traffic for two hours this morning trying to get to work for a 9:00 meeting. There were three accidents on the toll road, so I did not arrive at my office until 9:15 and was rushing to get to the conference room to meet with my boss and VP. I took my pre-chemotherapy medication (uppers) this morning, so I was sweating and shaking, in addition to my heightened anxiety. As I was rushing down the stairs with my laptop, BlackBerry, frappuccino and notebook, my right heel slipped into the cuff of my left pant leg and I found myself tumbling in slow motion. I fell down the flight of stairs and my frappuccino bottle smashed into the concrete floor. My left shoulder and head hit on impact. (Yes, my left side is where I had the hockey puck-sized tumor removed and my port placed under my skin into my artery.) There was a man in the stairwell above me who was cleaning. He ran down to see what had happened. He was staring at me, not out of concern, but in another way that I didn't like. I realized that my wig had fallen off and was laying against the wall. There I was completely vulnerable and this man who didn't know my story was looking at me in disgust ... like I was a total freak. He finally managed to ask if I was okay. I said yes and to leave me alone, please.

I laid back down looking up at the stacked rows of stairs above me. I was choking back tears and contemplating telling this stranger (who stayed there staring at me for what seemed like an eternity) my story, not because he cared, but because I felt that I needed to defend myself. I said "screw him" in my mind and realized that I had nothing to defend. I already see the changes that my Mom told me would happen. I have been so conflicted and confused for the last couple years about life in general. What do I want and deserve? What is the right path for me? The clarity is just around the corner ... I can feel it now more than ever. My mother told me that this experience would make me stronger and perhaps make me into that woman that I longed to be. A woman who knew what she deserved out of life and refused to settle. A woman who had crawled through the trenches of life, lived to tell about it, thus loved unconditionally and whole-heartedly and lived every day to the fullest. I believe I already had those qualities, although they needed some dusting off. This experience is an opportunity to be shoved in the right direction, the path of becoming the woman I have always wanted to be and had the ability to become.

I picked myself up off the ground, dusted off my black slacks, said "have a good one" with a smile to the ignorant man in the stairwell, scooped up my wig and shook it off and carried it down the hall to the bathroom as my heels clicked loudly along the marble floor. I stood up as tall as I possibly could and smiled. Yes, I, Jennifer Kwiatek walked down the hallway bald in my office building and didn't care. I have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed of what is happening to me. I never asked for this. And with that, I can say that my Mom was right in her theory. I am becoming a better, more vibrant woman and I have to admit that I wish I could have met her sooner. I really like her!

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