Monday, April 21, 2008

4/21/2008: White Dove

I lay on my belly in my bathtub last night. I tried standing in the shower, but my little legs shook too much, so I opted for a bath. (You should see my nasty bruises from my fall down the stairs at work last week. Eeek!) I played with my hair that had fallen out on the side of my tub. I made about five hearts from my dark blonde locks before I ran out. I really do miss my hair today. (Yes, my hair grows back in between treatments, and then I have to watch it fall out all over again.)

For some reason this treatment (round four) has been different than the others. Some side effects kicked in quickly and I was not as fatigued at the onset. I said several times this weekend, "I cannot believe I have cancer." Is the fact that I have cancer just now setting in? I have no emotion towards it, meaning I am not upset or angry … just annoyed and frustrated at being slowed down. Just when I thought I had escaped the wrath of the chemotherapy side effects, they hit last night. My fingers are not cooperating and are swollen today. I have to really concentrate just to open a container. My gums are swollen and my mouth is raw and peeling … I have no taste at all. This is the first time that I have no appetite. (Don't fret … I promise to keep eating.) Just walking from my bedroom to my kitchen leaves me exhausted. I hate feeling this way. My senses are working hard. I can actually hear my blood pumping in my ears. Besides the fatigue (which is the lamest word to describe this sensation), the heightened senses are a close second to my least favorite thing in the world.

My mastectomy won't even happen until the end of June and already the nightmares have begun. I keep dreaming that I wake up and have size 'I' boobs. I tell the doctor that this is not what I wanted and they assure me that I look "so good." I need to stop watching plastic surgery shows on TV, I think. Haha! Once chemotherapy treatment is over (May 30), I will have to wait a few weeks then have my PETscan redone. (Chemo can cause false negatives and positives if the PETscan is done too close to your treatment.) Then I will meet with the surgeon and plastic surgeon. They have to do surgery within 3 to 4 weeks after my last treatment. They want to wait a little so my strength can get back up, but not too long in case there are any cancer gremlins (Sarah's term) still left, because they will start growing again. When I meet with Melanie (head nurse at my Oncologist's office) this Friday I plan to try and nail down some dates. They usually just tell me to be patient and get through chemotherapy first, but you all know me … I want a plan and to have this whole thing organized into a neat little package.

I have a white dove that has been coming to spend time with me over the past few weeks outside my bedroom window. I was getting some sun at my parent's house this weekend after treatment and my beautiful dove landed not even a foot from me in the grass. I cannot believe she found me. She cocked her head and cooed at me. We chatted for a bit and off she went. I did not see her yesterday, which saddened me greatly; however, this morning when I was probably feeling my worst I heard a coo outside my window. When I opened my blinds my little white dove sat perched on the back of my balcony chair … as close as she could get to my window. She was not frightened by my opening the blinds. She is glorious and for some reason puts me at such ease.

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