Ever heard the phrase "moved to tears"? I am the kind of person who is genuinely touched by things ... the smallest, yet most significant of kindnesses. I see the way a man looks at a woman and is captivated by her every word and feel my throat tighten. I hear the passion in Irish music and cannot help but feel my soul come to life. I receive gestures of love and compassion and am moved beyond words. This is primarily why I found myself crying the other evening to a complete stranger.
In the evenings after dinner and before Wheel of Fortune (right up there with Milano cookies and frappuccinos) if the weather is nice and I feel strong enough, I take a walk around my neighborhood. The fresh air is invigorating and I love seeing all my neighbors out with their young children and dogs. It makes me think of my sweet Carly Anne and how much she loved this time of year. Her little nose would twitch like a bunny as she would smell all of the looming flowers.
This particular evening I was in my black yoga pants, a gray hoodie, my black flip-flops and my pink breast cancer ball cap that Michael gave me. I didn't even bother to throw on a bra figuring I looked rough enough that no one would bother talking to me. I was wrong. I was concluding my walk when one of my neighbors who I have never spoken to before pulled into her driveway and waved to me. She gestured to me in a way that I knew she wanted to speak with me. She is probably in her early thirties with the cutest blonde bob I have ever seen. She told me that she was so happy to see me. I had to think for a moment if perhaps we already knew one another and tried desperately to figure out her name. Once she gathered herself she explained that she has seen me walk each evening and hadn't seen me the last few days and was worried. She told me that she can tell when I am not feeling well by the way I walk. She continued by expressing how much she admired me and how she couldn't believe how beautiful I am close up. She was a blunt woman, but her words were so genuine and refreshing. (Although a bit stalker-ish, here was this woman who I had never spoken to, or shared my story with, yet I had touched her life from a distance.) And as though we were old friends she gave me a hug. I was shocked, overwhelmed and incredibly touched. I started crying ...
I never came out and told her that I have cancer, although I didn't need to. I don't know if she has had experience with cancer, or why she felt the need to say all those warm words, all I know is ... I needed to hear them. For some reason we were put in a position where our lives were supposed to intersect that evening and she had these thoughts and feelings she needed to convey.
And without missing a beat, she asked if she could see my head. What an odd request, I thought. I removed my hat. She asked if she could touch my head. Again, I thought "this is strange." So, I, of course, said "sure." (I guess that is how pregnant women feel when random people feel their bellies.) She apologized in advance for her curiosity and hoped not to offend me. I assured her that it would take a lot to do so and I felt privileged to be able to share my experience with others to help them better understand cancer. The questions kept coming, especially about my port. I showed it to her and she was astonished that it was all INSIDE my body. Most people think it is like an IV that is on the outside. I took her hand and placed it on my chest where my port lies. I have done this with many people now. (Here is what a mediport looks like) We talked for maybe twenty minutes and I was just so moved by the kind words of someone who I didn't even know. I can only imagine what our show-and-tell will entail after I have my implants put in. Haha.
Please don't ever hesitate to ask me a question. I will talk about almost anything with you. I want this to be an open experience where we can learn together. There are no secrets ... I promise to be as open and honest as I possibly can. I have heard just about everything from "What size boobs do you want?" to "Did you lose ALL your hair?" and even "Has your sex life changed?" I know some of my friends have tried to be cautious of what they say around me, specifically when complaining about their hair and boobs. Trust me, I am not like that and, like I said, it will take A LOT to offend me. Cancer doesn't make people more sensitive, or kill our humor ... promise!
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