Tuesday, April 8, 2008

4/8/2008: Think Positive

I have been in a bit of a funk the last few days and I am not a hundred percent sure why. I had a great appointment with my oncologist Dr. Heyer on Friday. This weekend I attended the Cookie Lee Fundraiser in my honor hosted by Shana English, which was so much fun and just an amazing event. Additionally, some old friends and people that I care very deeply for have come back into my life, which I feel so blessed. So, I am perplexed by my own funk. It's hard to explain, but I shall try …

Anyone who knows me will tell you that my greatest fault is that I am not a patient woman. I am finding this process to be very testing. Perhaps I have been challenged with cancer and treatment in order to work on that aspect of my personality. Being halfway through treatment is a great milestone, but occasionally my mind will slip into the negative realm and I think, "Only halfway? That means I have to go through what I have already been through again." Then I quickly snap myself out of that thought process. No glass half empty for me! I have to stay in the right mind frame or this thing will suck me under.

I have always been someone who liked the way I look and my body. I never really have experienced being self conscious of my looks or went through any phase like that. I have always appreciated what God gave me, although there were times I thought bigger boobs would be nice. (I didn't want to go through all this to get them though. Be careful what you wish for.)

I had a "moment" Sunday morning that I have never experienced before. I took a shower and after drying off I stood looking at myself in the mirror. I don't love my body the way I used to and that saddens me. I hate my port more than anything. It looks like a quarter-sized zit on my chest. It just pokes out under my skin and looks disgusting. I hate my scars. I have one that is about two inches under my armpit and one that is about an inch on my chest where they inserted the port. And I guess I will have even more when I have my bilateral mastectomy in June. Makes me sad. Because I am so fatigued with chemotherapy treatments I am unable to be as active as I was before cancer, so I have put on four pounds. (I know … a whopping 103. Geez!) I don't mind the weight … I am more upset by my loss of muscle and not being as tone as I would like. And I am barely hanging on to my eyebrows and eyelashes that continue to thin. I find myself admiring people's hair a lot more than I ever used to. A lady stopped me in the Harris Teeter parking lot last week to ask me where I get my hair done. I said, "Sorry, this is a wig." I swear I will never curse a bad hair day again. Ugh … I am just annoyed!

It is hard to feel sexy and beautiful when you are going through treatment. Obviously, the most important thing is to kill the cancer. The little things that I have started to notice about my physical appearance I am aware that are things that only I notice and no one else really does. The bottom line is I need to keep remembering that all of this is just temporary and in the scheme of things this is only a couple months of my entire life. I will not let it define me or try and suck me under again.

Think positive, think positive, think positive … sometimes even I need to remind myself!

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